The Greatest eBay Advert Ever: The Ford Focus 1.8 Zetec Ghia (With Knickers)

THE best ever eBay adverts if for a “Ford Focus 1.8 Zetec Ghia Mint Green (Possibly works underwater but this is unconfirmed)” sold by “Pistolfeet” for £1080 on april 16, 2011.

The advert:

IF Trebor made car paint then I imagine it would look something like the colour of this car, it’s a pale minty green. I will include some green Trebor mints in the sale so that you can compare for yourself. Please specify if you would prefer Extra Strong mints instead, they are white (unlike the colour of this car) but I personally prefer them even if I do hold them partially responsible for the decay in one of my teeth.

I took this car in part exchange along with some cash for another car I was selling. I didn’t really want it but I wanted the car I had less and since I am a valeter by trade I saw potential in this.

The engine is sound as can be, the gearbox is a dream, it steers like it’s on rails and all of the features and electricals work as designed. It’s the Ghia model (what does ghia even mean?) so has a bunch of extras such as heated front windscreen, air con, electrically adjustable front seats and an upgraded dash.

Inside its quite lovely, dark and mysterious but shiny and clean. I would feel quite happy to host a business conference inside it. Refreshments could be served through one of the electrically operated windows. Drinks could be placed in 1 of the 2 available cup holders. If your business meeting was for more than 2 people then some of the participants may have to hold their drinks, they might whinge a bit because of this but just remind them that in some parts of the world they haven’t even invented drinks yet.

Nothing nasty to report about the inside of the car, no rips or scuffs, its very tidy actually. I have been driving this minty little number around for a few days now and I was surprised how nice it is to drive and have opted to drive this rather than my Mondeo. OMG I am such a liar, I just remembered that the passenger side door handle is a bit scruffy, that’s all though.

It’s a Ford Focus from 2001 which is exactly 1 year after 2000 when the world didn’t end and VCRs continued to work. I didn’t do much that New Years eve, not because I was afraid an airplane would fall out of the sky and land on me, I just fancied a quiet night in with my girlfriend of that time, I say girl’friend, she was nearly 40 but a proper sporty little thing, bit ugly but perky where it counted. I myself am no beauty box so us both being a bit ugly I never had and insecurities that she would run off with my best friend lol. But she did about a year later! He left his wife, went a bit mad, got sectioned then released, turned out to be an alcoholic and now has pancreatitis, all is well that ends well.

The alloys on this MINT GREEN (it’s not blue or black or red or any other colour, deal with the fact that its mint green to avoid disappointment. If you thought maybe it was silver but the sunshine in the photos made it look a bit green you were wrong) are in genuinely good condition. I gave them a quick tickle with an alloy cleaning brush but they need a better clean than that but since I am quite busy trying to get in to the girl next doors knickers I can’t be bothered. The plastics are all nice and black, the tyres are all insanely named cheap brands but have good tread on them. I valeted the car so it’s looking good and smells divine – you might want to lick it but I recommend against this since some of the cleaning products I use are bad for tongues.

The windows are unbroken glass, have no chips and critically are transparent unlike bricks which are not often used as a window making material, they are tinted at the back so if you take that lass from the chippy up the hills you can do what you like in the back and won’t be seen. Unless someone looks through the windscreen and then the games up and the pillar box is down.

It’s done 107K miles which is much further than I can run and I wouldn’t even attempt to run that far not even for comic relief or children in need unless there was a cash incentive then I would consider it and work out some way to cheat. It would be an elaborate cheat including most likely a helicopter and several disguises, somewhere I have a dress up banana suit which I have only used once so I would probably try to get some more use out of it since I think it cost me about £60 a few years back.

The exterior of the car is generally in pretty good condition, there is some surface rust under the rear wheel arches (not that bad) and its had a small ding on the rear which has been tarted up a bit and doesn’t look that bad. There are a couple of places (arches, rear bumper) that have been resprayed in places probably due to surface rust in the past. I say resprayed, it actually looks like it’s been done by a drunken blind clown at night hanging upside down from a moving giraffe. Honestly, Ghandi could have done a better job slapping paint on with his flip flops. Estimated cost to have this resprayed by someone that isn’t mentally incapacitated is about £150-200 but who knows, maybe you aren’t the picky type and just want a motor that runs well, is comfy and proper posh on the inside.

It’s got MOT and Tax until July and I really can’t see any reason why it won’t fly through its next MOT (apart from the fact that cars don’t fly, be cool if they did)

Aside from the couple of dodgy resprayed bits this is a very decent car that runs beautifully but is green.

Any inspection, test drive, pretend flight is more than welcome. If you don’t want to drive it you can just sit in the driver’s seat and I can make engines noises but there will be an additional fee for this. I can also make airplane noises my Airbus A380 is very impressive, helicopters are harder but I can try if that is your thing.

You can see from the pictures that overall this is a bang tidy motor and you have my word it drives well. If this doesn’t sell I really couldn’t care less, I will keep driving it around not pulling birds. I don’t need to sell it but if you want it you can buy it.

Don’t forget its fathers day soon! What do you buy the dad who has everything? Well if he has a crazy a$$ large desk you could buy him a full scale replica ford focus 1.8 zetec ghia paperweight. If you know someone like Doc Brown for the back to the future trilogy maybe they could make you a remote control lie the one he had for the DeLorean DMC-12 which would be way awesome!

Update, Tuesday 12th April: < I like this colour I just pretended to get off with myself in the back seats, I had someone confirm that they could see me. This unfortunately means the windows are only lightly tinted and it isn’t privacy glass. Also worth mentioning that this car runs on petrol which can be bought at ‘petrol stations’, if you are unfamiliar with these then ask someone for directions to a place that sells over priced cold sausage rolls.

I can confirm that the petrol low light works, it just came on.

Also I just took delivery of a docking station for my laptop, the box it came in is surplus to requirements as I have plenty of other empty boxes. I will include this box in the sale at no extra cost. Finally for today, I think a pound coin fell out of my Bermuda shorts and has lodged itself somewhere under the drivers seat, if I don’t find it before the car sells you can have this too. Dont be disappointed if its only 50p though, it sounded like a pound but could have been a 50.

On 12-Apr-11 at 12:09:28 BST, seller added the following information:

Last night I bought a multi-pack of ready made bovril drinks, just sipping at one now. I want to share the warmth so will leave one of my bovril drinks in one of the 2 cup holders for the winning bidder. You can choose which holder, left or right, but you must supply your own hot water.

On 12-Apr-11 at 13:24:01 BST, seller added the following information:

Sorry, the free cardboard box is no longer available. I used it to make a Flux Capacitor. I have now installed this in the Mint Green Ford Focus. It is untested and not covered in anyway by Ford warranty. When I go to buy a sausage roll later I will put some more petrol in and then zip her up to 88mph. If successful I will go back in time to catch the moron that touched up the arches and paint him mint green then ask him how he likes it! I will also go to McDonalds in the early 90’s when they still served root beer and stock up. I miss their root beer.

On 12-Apr-11 at 14:10:26 BST, seller added the following information:

The reserve is Ssssssshhh! £800 or if you prefer to look at it another way, thats 800 items from a pound shop.

On 12-Apr-11 at 23:16:56 BST, seller added the following information:

Bad news, my attempts at time travel have been brought to an ugly full stop. I just remembered that the speed limit in th UK is 70mph so I cant reach 88mph. Probably just as well, have you seen Bill and Teds Excellent Adventure? Napoleon was a bit of a handful and I dont have the time to baby sit him. Good news though, my pal was let off with a caution after his dog attempted to hump an old lady that collapsed recently. He was trying to get her in the recovery position and Floyd (the dog) thought it was a game. Someone didnt see the funny side and reported the incident to the police.
Did I mention this car has a leather steering wheel? Probably not suitable for vegetarians – not sure? I dont speak vegetarian so cant ask one.

On 13-Apr-11 at 08:27:55 BST, seller added the following information:

It is with great sadness that this morning I must inform you that the mint green ford focus has been poo’d on by a bird. I have had a quick look around the neighbourhood and there was 2-3 birds that looked a bit guilty, I have issued them with verbal warnings but on this occasion I am not prepared to perform DNA testing.

I will remove the offending poo splash with my high power jet wash, I know its high power because I once shot my friend in his marble collection and I swear he had tears in his eyes. I once hid 2 sachets of brown sauce in his wallet and then forgot about it for at least 2 months until he called me from work saying words that would kill a nun instantly. The sachets had finally burst making it look like he had gone to the toilet in his pants, he wasn’t allowed to go home and change so spent the whole day soiled.
Speaking of contortion-ism, I confirm I can not wrap my leg around the entire circumference of the time machine ford focus, I hope this does not affect the final auction price.

On 13-Apr-11 at 08:55:39 BST, seller added the following information:

On 13-Apr-11 at 10:45:16 BST, seller added the following information:I have added a diagram to photobucket which details my future plans for the Mint Green Ford Focus if it fails to sell. They are not protected by any patents so you may copy them if you wish but I advise against doing these modifications to a Fiat Uno because they get very rusty and could not sustain the additional weight, and lets face it, Fiat Unos are a bit rubbish.

On 13-Apr-11 at 13:44:45 BST, seller added the following information:

On 13-Apr-11 at 14:18:12 BST, seller added the following information:

This is how I would imagine it be to go shark fishing in a mint green ford focus:

On 13-Apr-11 at 14:35:26 BST, seller added the following information:

There is a bee stuck under my summer house and its driving me nuts buzzing around. I tried coaxing it out with a bit of cheese and a jam scone but its having none of it. Ford Focus’s (especially mint green ones) have an inbuilt feature to prevent getting trapped under a summer house, the feature is known to us specialists in the mint green car sales industry as ‘Size’, rest assured that you will not be wasting precious scones and French cheeses attempting to coax your car out from under summer houses or other shedery structures in order to get to work on time.
I recently bought a hand zapper for swatting flies, the electric kind! Not electric flies, that would be silly but an electric zapper. The temptation to try it out on myself was too much, it hurt much like I imagine giving birth to a hybrid cactus/food processor would. The reflex action from the zap was enough for me to slap myself on the eyeball. I can now exercise restraint when wishing to try the zapper on myself.

On 13-Apr-11 at 18:25:11 BST, seller added the following information:

My sincere apologies, I should have made this clear from the very beginning to avoid any doubt in your minds. I am pleased to confirm that you can easily fit 3 tins of Heinz Baked beans and 1 bottle of cheap aftershave on the dashboard. None of these are included in the sale of the mint green ford focus but I will allow you a spray of the aftershave, if I think you have sprayed more than is fair I will have to rub my face against you to reclaim some of the aftershave. I have not been able to test (due to laziness on my behalf) if an expensive bottle of aftershave would squeeze on to the dash but I suspect not.

On 14-Apr-11 at 12:21:04 BST, seller added the following information:

Good news! The Focus is still driving awesome, I just took it for a spin in to town to pay a bill that I really didnt want to pay.  I popped in to Dominos to try one of there sub sandwiches, the bloke said it would take 10 mins he must be new because it only took 5 mins but I didn’t say anything. Sorry but I ate it in the car which now smells a bit of peperoni but I can fix that, it did that thing that pizzas do you know when its really hot but you try and nibble at it anyway then a bit of cheese and a piece of peperoni slides out and sticks to your chin. Its left a red burn on my chin that looks a bit like the sun emerging from behind a pyramid, its quite arty really. I used my free can of coke to try and cool the burn a bit, that was useless. Any way the sub was a let down unlike the focus. Why haven’t you bid yet?

On 15-Apr-11 at 09:25:05 BST, seller added the following information:

I have had an awful night, firstly I chipped a tooth on some cheddar flavoured biscuits which was bad enough but then I fell asleep on the sofa and had a dream that Texas Pete from superted had stolen my pressure washer which I need this morning. I notice that photobucket have stopped sharing my pictures because you lot exceeded my bandwidth, I am a bit annoyed with them, what do I pay my council tax for! I put them on another site called image shack, I am not sure I trust them, something doesn’t feel right.

On 15-Apr-11 at 15:25:09 BST, seller added the following information:

Many of you, approximately 7, have asked if they can buy the original images from this post. For me, quite frankly it is all about the money. You may bid to buy here: 220770218494

On 15-Apr-11 at 16:25:33 BST, seller added the following information:

220770250602 That is for a fishing boat and Ford Focus picture that I drew all by myself. The whale depicted in the drawing is called Weirdo and is included.

On 15-Apr-11 at 19:22:15 BST, seller added the following information:

X-Wing 220770345900

Tortoise 220770343645Bovril Tank 220770340821
The fonts all look messed up on this update, fonts are like people.

The Photos:

Spotter: Mods

Anorak

Posted: 16th, April 2011 | In: Key Posts, The Consumer Comments (5) | TrackBack | Permalink