Horny As Helga

”OH my god!’ shouted Kate for the 7,945th time. ‘I’m naked!!’ Well knock me down wiv a fevver.

Jade: Piggin’ gorgeous

The gang were in fine form, as they drank for five-and-a-half hours, as the narrator informed us with his customary accuracy.

It was the day of the 1970s disco, and they had been given a selection of what the BB generation like to think of as Seventies attire. Soon the screen blurred as a parade of fluorescent orange and lime green flashed up.

Jade became something even more scary – Horny Helga. She leered into the BB camera and chanted her new name. A nation urinated in terror. ‘It’s a JOKE,’ she screeched. ‘I don’t look like a porn star!’ A million porn stars nodded in agreement.

But it all ended in tears. ‘I’m not happy about this at all,’ Jade told Kate, again and again. ‘You’ve been talking to Alex about myself!’

Alex was summonsed, but he wasn’t in the mood. ‘If I never see you again, it’ll be far too soon,’ he told Jade, who welled-up and went blubbing to Jonny and Kate, who she had insulted only minutes before.

This isn’t car-crash TV, it’s Potter’s Bar.

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Posted: 19th, July 2002 | In: Celebrities Comment | TrackBack | Permalink