Jamie Puckers Up

‘THERE are some headlines guaranteed to make even those of the hardiest disposition nervous. And one such appears on the front page of this morning’s Express. ‘Britain In Germ Terror Threat,’ says the headline – but it is the neighbouring picture and accompanying caption that strikes true fear into any right-thinking reader. ‘Jamie Oliver and wife in nude pictures row,’ says the paper (beneath a picture of the fat-tongued chef and his mo-del wife) and urges us to turn to Page 41.

Oliver: All tongue and still no taste

With trembling hand and beating heart, we turn inside in mortal fear that we might be subjected to a glimpse of the Naked Chef, well, naked. Could the grinning e-gomaniac’s craving for publicity have taken a new and grotesque twist and he and Jools posed in the buff a la John Lennon and Yoko Ono?

Had some sick pervert caught on camera that moment of congress between man and wife that had produced Poppy Holly? Or had Jools been forced to disrobe for a top-shelf magazine to earn the money to send her husband to the US for the tongue-reduction surgery he so urgently requires?

Thankfully, it is none of the above – and it is with a huge sigh of relief that we can report that no nude pictures of the couple exist. But not thanks to Sainsbury’s. The supermarket chain had wanted to film an advert featuring the two in the bath, but had to pull the plug (so to speak) because ‘no-one wants to go ahead with it’. It couldn’t have had anything to do with the lack of responses to the job of Jools’ body double, could it?

After all, what woman wouldn’t have been overjoyed to receive £350 to sit topless in the bath with Jamie?

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Posted: 19th, July 2002 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink