Future Schlock

‘LIFE after Big Brother? Surely there’s no such thing. How could life be worth living once the Elstree house is deserted and Kate, Alex, Jade and Jonny are no longer welcomed daily into our homes?

Jade took instantly to the modelling game

The Star is not so pessimistic, however, and consults PR guru Max Clifford to draw up a ‘guide to the career prospects of the most famous housemates in Britain’.

Fireman Jonny Regan is tipped to become a celebrity chef a la Jamie Oliver, but with a much smaller tongue.

Kate, with her propensity to strip down to her smalls at the slightest provocation – or none at all – would make a good model for lingerie firms Wonderbra or Agent Provocateur.

Hygiene-obsessed model Alex is set to become the poster boy for Domestos and Brylcreem.

As for Jade, the possibilities are endless. Unfortunately, none of the ones canvassed in the Star involves shooting her into orbit as part of the Pigs In Space programme.

Clifford says the porky one’s raunchy antics with PJ could result in her advertising condoms and with her enormous gob ‘she’d be perfect for advertising food or booze’.

He also adds that her fondness for stripping, ‘despite her kebab belly’, could see her become a Page 3 model.

Even though readers of such august organs as the Star and the Sun rarely bother to look at the faces of topless models, the prospect of seeing Jade’s nearly naked body is no more attractive than having to gaze upon her porcine features.

Besides, unless the tabloids start publishing in broadsheet format, they’d never fit all of her on one page.

‘

Posted: 25th, July 2002 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink