Oprah’s Bigger Than Ever

‘PHEW! This week’s (pant) celebrity issue of National Enquirer is (woo) a really heavy (puff) read. But we’ve made it back from the newsagents at no more expense to you, but at great cost to our backs, to tell you what’s what.

A river runs through it

And what’s a lot of what is that Oprah Winfrey has just hit the scales at a ”deadly” 19 stone. In American that’s 278 lbs, and in anyone’s language, that’s big.

And the Enquirer had the pictures to prove it. Oprah’s face is seen as ”puffy and full of ripples”, which makes for an interesting, calming effect when she moves but a less than beautiful mug shot.

But Oprah is battling to put the weight behind her (that which is not already there on her burgeoning backside) and has taken to jogging.

Perhaps as she moves, make that ripples, through the Hawaiian paradise she could spur herself on by telling herself that her ass is after her.

”Got to get away from the ass,” pants Oprah as she pushes herself a yard further into her fitness regime. ”The ass is gonna get me. Must…escape…the…ass…”

But the head that’s straining to move as far away from her relentless posterior as possible has changed so much that it might not in fact be Oprah Winfrey but someone else.

”Her face is swollen nearly beyond recognition,” says an ”inside source”. ”The flesh is bumpy with peaks and valleys.”

And no doubt has a river of sweat meandering thought it at the merest whiff of exercise.

But let’s do what her ass is doing and get behind Oprah. You can do it, girl, and if you can’t, your face sounds like an ideal place for a hike.

‘

Posted: 5th, September 2002 | In: Reviews Comment | TrackBack | Permalink