The Fat Of The Land

‘IT’S a little known fact that in Australia all the best pineapples and lemons are exported, leaving the locals to feast on a misshapen mush of unappealing failures while we happy foreigners dine on perfection.

Jono tried in vain to shift 8st of unwanted flesh

And as it is for fruit so it is for celebrities, and while Paul Hogan and Mad Chopper Matthews and his Performing Deckchair wow them in Sydney, we lucky Brits get Holly Vallance and Jono Coleman.

But since Holly’s mother was born in Southampton, we are only getting back what is rightfully ours. So when Holly says ”I do feel like England is my home now”, we know she means it.

Which just leaves Jono Coleman to fly the flag for the brothers and sisters Down Under. And if Jono uses his T-short we might all be covered in an infectious swathe of blue – because Jono is a huge star in the mould Vanessa Feltz.

Jono is fat. So fat is he that he is now famous for being fat. And that means he gets to go to ”Celebrity Fit Club” (some typo surely) and get in shape with the likes of Coleen Nolan, Ian McCaskill, Rik Waller and MP Ann Widdecombe (a sure portent that the end of the world is nigh).

Lining up shortest at the front, tallest at the back, the gang resemble a set of Russian dolls, each one capable of being swallowed whole by the one behind.

But on the command ”split”, the group get in formation. Jono goes wild and puts his hands on his hips, breathes in and out.

The rest just look on in awe, happy to be in the same shot as what is truly an immense talent.

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Posted: 23rd, September 2002 | In: Reviews Comment | TrackBack | Permalink