Gold Rush

‘FOR those who hang to the belief that all Arsenal fans smoke those little cigars that come in individual plastic wrappers, there is news.

”Do Not Sit On The Sink”

They do so because they look so sophisticated yet grounded (it says here) and because the wrapping prevents the urine wetting and thus spoiling the tobacco.

You see, urine is a substance Arsenal fans know too well. Those Gooners contemplating buying timeshares in Cardiff (for the second and third weeks in May), would do well to wrap everything they own in plastic wrap.

Should the Welsh capital run out of the protective film, a plastic bag round the feet and some official Anorak Comfi-Wellies must be the go.

The Cardiff urine problem can be traced all the way to the lower concourse at the city’s Millennium Stadium, where the toilet troughs have burst their banks.

But since not everyone gets to see Cardiff’s Golden Waterfalls, you’ll have to take our word that they do exist.

Just think that these wonders would not have sprung forth had the stadium designer’s plan been followed to the letter.

Our study says that the stadium’s planners have allocated a generous two-inch width of trough for each crowd member, with the ground at full capacity.

If just the bit that does the pissing was extended forward to the wall, all male fans at the ground could go to the toilet during the 10-minute rush before the game and the half-time interval with no fear of drowning.

But men will be silly about these things, so instead they have adopted the architect’s plan B: wait in a cell-like, piss-soaked room and then go anywhere you can.

This ploy involves making use of the three to four sinks in each urine-soaked hole. If you can get to the cubicle, the move is to hose the seat and wall.

But our favourite was demonstrated by the man who ripped up the rulebook and on seeing the lattice-work plastic bucket under the said sinks, ventured forth and pissed freely in it.

A nice effect resulted, as piss cascaded down the white bin and seeped suggestively through the gaps. For novelty value it matches the Golden Waterfall, although the size and volume of the GWs marks them out as the must-see attraction.

This wonder will be appearing again on days which, as luck has it, coincide with the play-off finals for the three Nationwide divisions.

Next week: The Magic Box – marvel as three thousand women queue to get inside two toilets.

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Posted: 19th, May 2003 | In: Back pages Comment | TrackBack | Permalink