Zeds And Two Noughts

‘IF it hadn’t been for Clive Tyldesley’s constant reminders about how wonderful the match was I’d have been lulled into the mistaken belief that the Champions’ League final was plain boring.

David Trezeguet tries to get some shut-eye

The first ten minutes were great stuff, as the teams showed skill and application.

Hell, Juventus even tried to score a goal. But, then, the first ten minutes of the Royal Crown versus the Lamb And Kebab are normally a pretty spicy affair.

Surely it was too early for Clive to tell us in that all-knowing mocking way that we thought it would be dull. None of it!

With the ref’s whistle still moist from blowing for kick-off, Clive thought it was the right time to tell us how great the game was.

In the boorish tone of the true pedant – a tone usually reserved for talking about ”the wife” and ”the kids” to office sad sacks after work in the pub – Clive scoffed.

Thus told what was what, we were invited to sit back and drool. I for one drooled, as I often do before I nod right off. Indeed, it was only Clive’s droll delivery that kept me going.

Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, as some really, really clever person once said, but Clive was taking it to new levels.

Milan’s Rui Costa, we were told, is a supremely gifted player. He had earlier missed the entire goal when it was clear in his sights. Clive can be so cruel.

Clive should not be condemned because the game was worthy of hardly any comment. So I took to researching a few facts – the few facts that Clive had not wanted to share with us.

The grass, which Clive told us had been cut no less and no more than four times on the morning of the game, had been sheared into ten neat bands in each half.

How the intricate Champions’ League logo was etched into the centre circle is a fact shamefully overlooked, but I’d wager my money on a stencil and some clippers.

Meanwhile a game of sorts was taking place. Juventus, who play football like basketball but without the excitement (I’m learning, Clive) were waiting to break.

After over 120 minutes they were still waiting. So we had penalties. And Milan won. So there.

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Posted: 29th, May 2003 | In: Back pages Comment | TrackBack | Permalink