Crime Does Pay

‘SOMEONE’S been watching far too many Guy Ritchie films in the Eastenders scriptwriters’ department. Overnight, Walford seems to have turned into a gangster’s paradise. Suddenly everyone’s sporting black suits, talking about ”jobs going down” and people getting ”hit” in mockney drama school accents.

”I’ll eat you alive”

Dalton (aka 70s sitcom reject Shelly) is apparently the most feared East End gangster since the Krays. But unlike the Krays, rather than beat up their rivals, Dalton has clearly taken to eating his. Cameramen are having to use a lot of wide-angled lenses to get both him and Phil in the same scene.

Phil uncovered Dalton’s dastardly plan to have undercover cop Kate bumped off and unfortunately for us, he decided to save her. Phil stormed into Kate’s house, just as hitman George had his hands around her throat. Oh, for the advent of virtual television.

Phil admitted to Kate that he still loved her and the pair have decided to give their relationship another go. ”You’re my family now,” Mr Potato head wheezed in her ear. ”We’re gonna be togetfer forever”. Which given Phil’s track record with women is about five episodes – before she sleeps with his brother.

The Kat-Alfie storyline is becoming more tedious than a Big Brother episode. We all know that Kat isn’t the smartest kitten in the litter but failing to stop the fact that Alfie wants her to pull more than his pints is frankly ridiculous.

As is the fact that Nana Moon has been cast in some sort of Doctor Ruth role. ”Did you really love Dennis, or was it just good sex?” she asked a startled Kat. Dennis Watts has done his one good deed since moving into the Square by helping Vicki get Gus off the hook for the Mini-Mart robbery. Unfortunately, Sharon now thinks that Dennis was the one responsible and has told him to move out.

”We don’t need any more criminals round here,” she told him. Indeed they don’t. Walford is fast becoming a poor man’s Crimewatch – but with worse acting.

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Posted: 30th, May 2003 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink