Hayfever Cure

”’DANNIELLA Westbrook’s successful struggle with drugs has brought her an unexpected bonus,” says the Star in its review of all things showbiz.

Danniella’s new nose hadn’t stopped her daily tantrums

The early guesses as to what this bonus prize is are: fame beyond her talent; a degree in chemistry; a one-way free trip to Colombia; and a free cheeseburger whenever anyone orders a new ”McDanniella Straw.”

The truth, though, is even more magical, as the Star reveals that Danniella is now immune from the ravages of hayfever.

She used to be prone to the illness, but her new nosecone came with the hidden benefit of a pollen filter. ”I get migraines and itchy eyes, but never any problems with my nose at all,” boasts Danniella.

This treatment is available to all those who want it, but be warned – it comes with a designer showbiz price tag, and to be rid of the summer sneezes will set you back around the £100,000 it cost Danniella.

As such it is not yet available on the National Health, which is a great shame since the Mail informs us that this hayfever season is one of the worst for years.

A body called the National Pollen Research Unit at University College, Worcester, says that 15 of the last 17 days have been classified as ”high” or ”very high” pollen days.

A few experts, like the Met Office’s Andy Yeatman (”It seems to be one of the worst spells reported”) and Beverley Adams-Groom, a pollen forecaster, (”It’s horrible”) give the story a scientific bent.

And the Mail churns out a key fact of its own. ”Hayfever keeps more than 500,000 children off school at the height of the allergy season,” it writes.

This cannot continue, and we appeal to the Government to start giving free cocaine to sufferers immediately.

How much longer can this unnecessary suffering go on for before someone has the guts to do something?

We feel a campaign coming on. Over to you, Danniella…

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Posted: 17th, June 2003 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink