Golden Oldies

‘YOU join us in 2049, where Lord David Beckham of Dolce & Gabbana is about to renew his wedding vows with Lady Posh in a pay-per-view Golden Balls event sponsored by Eazy Dentures, ‘for the tooth with added bite’.

Taking the piss

‘I give you this Tiffany gold and diamond ring as a symbol of our vows, and with all that I am, and all that I have, I honour you,’ says David.

The vow is promptly translated into 52 of the world’s most popular languages. When peace is restored, it’s time for Victoria to speak.

‘I give you this CD of my greatest hits as a small yet tasteful medallion of our eternal love.’

She turns to the camera built now into David’s forehead. ‘In buying this CD, you the people of Earth will know that you support us in our love. And I think that is something really important.’

A screen drops down from behind the effigy of Jesus (with football boots and David Beckham tattoo). David and Victoria kneel before it. The rest of the world follows.

The screen flickers into life and we see pictures of David and Victoria’s greatest moments. There’s the original wedding, the births of Brooklyn, Romeo and Real.

And there’s the video of the day he signed for Madrid, the tour of Asia and the footage of David pissing into a cup on his medical examination for the Spanish giants.

Oh, you haven’t seen that? Well, you should have subscribed to the Real Madrid TV channel, where the medical was relayed live yesterday.

The entire thing was, as with all things Beckham, sponsored, and the Spanish health insurance company Sanita were happy to pick up the £250,000 tab, and keep Beckham free from germs.

The rest of the video was familiar to all. The shot of David leading England to victory in the Best Dressed Team section of the 2006 World Cup; his Giorgio Armani tattoo (with washing instructions and official logo); and his conversion to Islam and subsequent marriages to Ulrika Jonsson, Kathryn Blair and Geri Halliwell.

What happens to David next is anyone’s guess. Although, you can bet it will come with a label and a large marketing budget.

‘

Posted: 2nd, July 2003 | In: Back pages Comment | TrackBack | Permalink