A Piece Of Cake

‘EVEN if the papers cannot teach us how to lie like Jeffrey Archer, they are packed full of useful advice for other areas of our lives.

Demi Moore, after three days on the Feltz diet

For instance, Express readers can learn ‘how to get a celebrity body – the easy way’; Mirror readers get tips on ‘how to improve your sex life’ and Sun readers get the chance to learn Beyonce’s ‘bootylicious’ new dance.

Readers of all three papers are in for a busy day, so let’s content ourselves with the Express for this morning.

First, we assume the celebrity body you want belongs to the likes of Liz Hurley or Demi Moore rather than Vanessa Feltz or Lisa Riley.

[If this is an incorrect assumption, our advice is simple: eat cakes – and lots of them.]

We also assume that you haven’t got $400,000 spare with which to follow Demi Moore’s example and buy a whole new body from one of the ‘body farms’ that are springing up all over California.

And finally we assume that you don’t want to cut down on your high-calorie diet or indeed do any exercise more strenuous than opening the door of your fridge.

So, for those of you who are still with us and haven’t plunged headlong into a vat of ice cream, here we go.

For Liz Hurley’s super-toned thighs, the Express recommends Body Ultimate’s Body Firming Treatment. For Demi Moore’s cellulite-free form, don’t look beyond Oxyjet Body Firming Treatment.

For Emma Bunton’s lithe new look, try a Vitamin C-Co-Q10 American Body Wrap; for J-Lo’s pert posterior, pull on a pair of Gerard’s Thalassotherapy Toning Trousers.

For Victoria Beckham’s rock-solid body, how about Thermoslim Corpo Body Firmer by Sorisa?

And, finally, to get Cat Deeley’s perfect pins, give the Carole Franck Golden Body Lift Contouring Aroma Spa a try.

Alternatively, to achieve the same results at a fraction of the cost, we find liberal use of an airbrush does the trick.

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Posted: 24th, July 2003 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink