Bottom Feeders

‘OBVIOUSLY the best way to get a bum like Kylie’s is to take a leaf out of Mrs Beaton’s Book Of Household Management.

Kylie shows off the results of her high-intensity darning regime

The second best way is to buy a copy of this morning’s Sun, which has a life-size pull-out picture of the Aussie chanteuse’s derriere for its readers to salivate over.

Failing that, turn to the Mirror, which in its new role as a serious newspaper this morning unveils the secrets of Kylie’s ‘amazing bottom’.

‘How she got it…how she keeps it…and how YOU can get one too,’ it promises.

How Kylie Got Her Bum may sound like a modern version of Rudyard Kipling’s Just So stories, but the answer it appears is alarmingly simple – she was born with it.

Yes, Kylie’s bum is apparently an entirely natural phenomenon which has been with her from her pre-Neighbours days.

How Kylie Keeps Her Bum is also relatively straightforward, the answer apparently lying in a high-protein and low-carbohydrate diet and special dance routines.

Says the woman herself: ‘I really don’t do anything to my backside. I don’t use lotions or anything like that. I work hard. I run around a lot and I dance when I have to. That’s it.’

How YOU Get Kylie’s Bum is, however, another matter altogether.

The Mirror suggests a routine of power walking, butt clenching, leg lifts and squat holds, combined with a special diet that includes omega-3 fish oils, chromium and daily multi-vitamin pills.

We suggest you get your copy of the Sun pull-out and take it down to your nearest plastic surgeon. Either that or get down on your hands and knees and start scrubbing…

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Posted: 5th, August 2003 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink