Don’t Worry, Be Happy

‘THANKS to the selfless work of Jeffrey Archer and his in-depth investigation into the country’s penal system, prisons have never been so popular.

Lord Archer, responsible for making prison fashionable again

In the parlance of the press, prison is the new black.

And the even better news is that, after summers ruined by foot and mouth disease and terrorist threats, more tourists than ever are joining the happy throng.

The result is that, as the Times reports, there are now more foreigners in HMP Morton Hall in Lincolnshire than there are British citizens.

And that’s not all. The paper also boasts that one in seven of the all-time-high prison population of 74,000 is a foreign ‘jail tourist’.

There are now inmates from over 160 counties sampling the delights of Her Majesty’s finest pleasures.

And for those wanting to take an extended break in Blighty and get to know the real Britain, the way in is via Heathrow Airport with a bag full of cocaine.

And so much the better if your flight is from the Caribbean, given that Jamaicans can’t get enough of our porridge, with 434 females and 2,361 men from that island here for a stay.

And to facilitate other arrivals, from now on all ‘suspicious’ passengers flying into Britain from eight Caribbean islands will be electronically scanned for cocaine.

For anyone interested, the list of countries offering the new service can be had by sending a large self-addressed envelope to the usual address.

We’ll see you get a menu of hotspots and an official Anorak E-Zee Swallow condom.

‘

Posted: 6th, August 2003 | In: Broadsheets Comment | TrackBack | Permalink