Fantasy Football

‘IN the spirit of the newspapers that provide us with so much, we launch our own version of fantasy football.

Faking orgasm on the pitch: 30 points

In our game we ask you to pick the worst team. Points are awarded for own goals, goals conceded, blank sheets, yellow and red cards and appearances before the FA.

In our version, football is given the credit it deserves for being all-embracing.

Any player that appears on the gossip sheets will earn his manager ten points, while a front-page expose as a love rat will earn a whopping 50 points.

If the cheating on a long-suffering wife or girlfriend has occurred with a lap dancer (ten bonus points), a glamour mod-el (30 bonus points) or another man (100 bonus points), so much the better.

And from one vice to another. With your pencil waving over the Blackburn midfield, you must consider the likelihood of vices other than women coming to the fore.

For simplicity sake, we’ll run it like the Government’s own policy of drugs, with categories for A, B and C.

Anyone caught in possession class A drugs will earn his manager 100 points, 60 points for class B and 20 points for class C.

Failed tests for steroids and other performance-enhancing pharmaceuticals will earn 15 points with the possible bonus of 10 points if the accused launches an unsuccessful defence.

If he cries on camera, that’s ten more points and if his defence involves the taking of a cold remedy whose label he failed to read, that’s five more points.

Since alcohol consumption remains a mainstay of the British game, the imbibing of it will not be included unless the drinker climbs into a car while under its influence and is apprehended by the police.

For being discovered drink driving, the player will earn his manager 20 points. If he is found slumped at the wheel with his car attempting coitus with a lamppost, that’s 70 points.

Which leads us to the big one. This can change everything. If your season is going nowhere, this gives hope: prison.

For every day your man stay behind bars, we will give you one point. Given the severity of the offence that warrants such a punishment, this will be stretched to include time spent on parole and wearing an electronic tag.

As for rules, you must restrict your choice to the Premier League and make your team up of one goalkeeper playing behind a 4-4-2 formation.

Worst of luck.

‘

Posted: 13th, August 2003 | In: Back pages Comment | TrackBack | Permalink