Passport To Success

”IMMIGRANT not ignorant’ – Anorak 2003.

Q1 How did this man get a career on TV?

It’s catchy, it fits on a badge, it’s new Labour, and it’s the kind of motto we expect to see embossed on the cover of David Blunkett’s Living In The United Kingdom handbook.

The Guardian says that this book will include a short introduction to British history, beginning in 1997 and taking us through the landmark birth of Leo Blair and the saving of Iraq.

It will be required reading for new arrivals to this fair land who wish to set up permanent home here. And, in the truest traditions of all things British, modern and cool, there will be a test.

In keeping with the mood of the GCSE, the Independent, as with all the papers, gives us clues as to what the actual questions will be.

The questions are pretty straightforward: ‘Who is the Prime Minister?’ This is the most important question, deserving of its No.1 spot, and we advise all potential immigrants reading today to answer ‘Tony Blair, Son of God’.

But questions like ‘When was Britain last invaded?’; ‘What is the minimum wage?’ and the odd ‘How do you pay your phone bill?’ seem out of kilter with modern manners.

So we’ve taken the chance to produce our own list of questions for the citizenship test. We expect this to be big success, and advise Paul Ross to keep a space open his diary for a daytime TV version.

Round one. 1) What is a Faliraki Moon? 2) Is your incredibly talented child called Max, Jack or Joshua? 3) Jordan or Jodie? Discuss. 4) What is Dr Atkins a doctor of? 5) Who is Harry Windsor’s dad?

Round two tie-breaker. Complete the following sentence in 12 words or less: ‘I want to come and live in the United Kingdom because…’

The winner will receive a passport, a council house and a satellite dish. Ten runners-up will each get a town in the north east of England.’

Posted: 4th, September 2003 | In: Broadsheets Comment | TrackBack | Permalink