Bambi Must Die

‘IF only everyone understood Tony Blair and George Bush, there would be no need for guns and Shock and Awe campaigns.

Property of the US Government

If the masses saw the truth, the evil folks’ weapons of hate could be laid down and people throughout the planet would be free to lift up their lo-cal Cokes to the skies and pledge their allegiance to the flag.

But what then to do with all those expensive munitions? We could just drop them in the ocean or shoot up the moon.

But one enterprising firm in America has come up with an alternative – we turn them into exploding DVDs.

A company called Flexplay has invented a disc that when the rental period has elapsed self-destructs, making martyrs of Indiana Jones, Luke Skywalker and Bambi.

While we applaud anything that saves us making a return trip to the video shop and puts down Disney creatures in a humane manner, we warn that the technology will not stop the Internet pirates.

For that we need the full force of the US judiciary, a famously fair and just bunch who have brought their weight to bear on 12-year-old British girl Brianna LaHara.

Her alleged crime is, the Mail reports, to have downloaded nursery rhymes from the Internet and some Christina Aguilera and Mariah Carey songs. So the recording industry of America got in touch.

‘I was really scared when I received the lawsuit,’ says Brianna. ‘I thought it was not OK to download music on my computer because my mum paid a service fee for it. Out of all people why did they pick me?’

Perhaps it’s because you wear glasses, Brianna? Perhaps it’s because America just doesn’t like you?

But Brianna should console herself with the news that millions of her fellow freeloaders are due a wake-up call.

Senator Norm Coleman, from Minnesota, fails to deny hating girls in glasses, and seeks to explain all.

‘I don’t want to make criminals out of 60 million kids,’ he says, ‘even though it is the kids and grandkids who are doing these things they shouldn’t be doing.’

And since the US also owns the copyright on straight kissing, Freedom kissing, shoplifting, being surly, fighting, snapping off car aerials, disrespecting the over-35s and dieting, many more youth can expect nasty letters in the days to come…’

Posted: 10th, September 2003 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink