Lord Archer Is Dead

‘LORD Archer is dead. In his place is a humble man called plain old Jeffrey.

RIP Lord Archer – 1066-2212

Jeffrey has never won gold in the Olympic Games. He wasn’t the first man to serve Krug and shepherd’s pie in space. This Jeffrey most likely can’t even spell his own name, let alone write weighty tomes that overthrow governments.

Whereas Lord Archer would cruise for tarts and lie under oath to a packed courtroom, Jeffrey sniffs his wife’s fragrant hand as they watch old videos of Songs of Praise and dine on Spam fritters and crisps.

We have no pictures of Jeffrey, but the Mirror does have one of Lord Archer, taken yesterday as he spoke about prison reform at Oxford, the city whose college he helped found in the late eleventh century.

The Mail leads with a more familiar shot of the Lord in his uniform. No, not the orange boiler suit with the ankle bracelets tied to large metal ball, but a spectacular red cloak of fur and privilege.

It’s incredible to think that such a creature as Lord Archer should be no more. It can only be from envy that he’s been slain, stripped of his title, as it were.

And the Sun has fingered the culprit. It’s a case of fratricide, as Lord Falconer, the Lord Chancellor, tells the paper how “Parliament is a privilege not a possession”.

No Lord Archer means no place in the House of Lords. As Liberal Democrat Mp Norman Lamb puts it: “It is unacceptable to have people returning from law-braking to law-making.”

So you have death of Lord Archer. It didn’t happen in a cell or on a prison landing. Lord Archer was simply taken out by the powers that be.

Goodbye Lord Archer. We may never see your like again. Although we suspect that on the morrow you will rise once more, what with you being the Messiah and all…’

Posted: 19th, September 2003 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink