Table Talk

‘MEDICAL students who study cancer matters via the Mail’s oncology casebook will have learnt some interesting facts about the dreaded disease.

Ronnie’s keeping both feet firmly on the floor

For instance, just looking at asylum seekers can increase the chances of contracting eyeball cancer tenfold and being smiled upon by Tony Blair will cause you to suffer teeth cancer and vomit.

Now the paper that educates tells medical students and panic merchants that suntan lotion could raise the risk of getting skin cancer.

It does this not because it acts as a poison but because by wearing the cream you may wrongly believe yourself to be immune from sun damage.

In short, if you are stupid, you are twice as likely to catch skin cancer as someone who covers up head to toe and never allows the sun’s toxic fingers touch their skin.

The advice is simple: it’s time for the Mail’s 20 million asylum seekers to pull on their old burkas and yashmacks and forgo the tan.

Already Ronnie O’Sullivan is doing it. According to the Sun, the bad boy of world snooker has turned to Islam in a bid to beat cancer and keep his life on track.

And Ronnie has boxer Prince Naseem Hamed to thank. The Mirror days that Naseem gave O’Sullivan a video made by Muslim preacher Khalid Yassin, and one look was all it took for Ronnie to take the plunge.

It’s not known whether Ronnie has plans to change his name, as fellow sportsmen like Cassius Clay so famously did, but if he does, the man known as ‘The Rocket’ might like to try ‘The Scud’ or the ‘Weapon Of Mass Destruction’.

This way, if the Government still wants to find WMD, they could look towards the more leafy parts of Essex and BBC2…’

Posted: 29th, September 2003 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink