Pigs In Muck

‘THERE are now more police officers in Britain than ever before – or so Home Secretary David Blunkett claimed at the Labour party conference earlier this month.

‘I solved a crime once…’

Not good enough, replied the Tories. If we get into power, we will add an additional 40,000 officers, presumably of the flying variety.

But what will these new policemen and policewomen do all day?

One thing they won’t do, judging by yesterday’s figures, is solve crimes.

Despite increasing manpower, the Times reports this morning that three-quarters of police forces actually solved a lower proportion of crimes last year than the year before.

And as part of its commitment to open government, the Home Office is happy to tell us where we should go if we want to mug old ladies and get away with it.

First of all, we would like to warn all lags that crime doesn’t pay in Devon & Cornwall, Suffolk, Cumbria or Northumbria – the four forces with outstanding records.

If you are trying to carve out a career in crime for yourself in any of those areas, you might want to consider a move to one of the following.

Consider, Avon & Somerset (only a short hop for our Devonian friends), Cambridgeshire, Cleveland, Greater Manchester, West Yorkshire, Nottinghamshire and Humberside.

Criminals who can understand spidergrams can further refine their search and find out which crime is best committed in which area.

The police defended their abysmal clear-up rates, saying that two-thirds of work done by police officers was unrelated to crime.

We trust they are as successful at that as they are in solving crime.’

Posted: 22nd, October 2003 | In: Broadsheets Comment | TrackBack | Permalink