Black Widow

‘JANINE is playing the role of the grieving (black) widow to perfection. She’s managed to convince Ricky (admittedly not the hardest of tasks) that she’s devastated by Barry’s death and he’s now going round the Square like a terrier, defending her honour.

Zoe takes more acting tips from the wooden door

Ricky took Natalie to task for accusing Janine of killing Barry – perish the thought. “Janine’s at ‘ome, cryin’ ‘er eyes out,” he spat at her. “You don’t know ‘er like I do.”

Natalie had arranged a fitting tribute to Barry, planting a big fat hideous shrub in The Square. “Now every time we want to see daddy, we can come here,” she gently told Jack. Surely every time they want to see ‘daddy’ now, all they’ll have to do is to go to his local job centre.

Along with murder, we’ve also got rape and incest storylines to see in the New Year down Walford way: the producers clearly starting the year as they mean to go on.

Little Mo has broken the news to Billy that not only is she pregnant from her rape by Graham, but she’s keeping the baby. Billy was understandably less than keen on the idea and has moved out, forcing Mo to tell her family of harpies exactly what had happened.

“You can’t keep a rapist’s baby!” screamed Kat, conveniently forgetting that she’d done exactly that.

Billy has decided that his future is with now with ‘The Family’ – indeed the Mitchells are about as psychotic as Charles Manson’s followers, only even less intelligent.

Sam told Billy about her plan to burn down the “snooker ‘all” to claim on the insurance. “You don’t wanna do that,” he told her, “I’ll burn down the Angie’s Den for yer.” Which as a late Christmas present is at least more original that a pair of socks.

Billy being the Frank Spencer of the Underworld, however, manages to set fire to Vicky, who’s locked in the cellar of the club. It’s not clear yet if she dies or not – we can but hope.

The Walford youth club are still recovering from their disastrous trip to Scotland. Zoe has come out of her coma (although it’s difficult to tell) but things are still frosty between her and Kelly.

In a feeble attempt to introduce a bit of ratings-boosting lesbionics, producers had the two girls kissing on a freezing mountain top to “keep warm”. (I wonder what copy of ‘Readers’ Wives’ they stole that idea from.)

Now they’re back in The Square, Zoe is convinced that Kelly loves her in that ‘special way’ and is doing her best to avoid her.

Another special pairing to come out of New Year’s Eve was Sonia and Martin. They’ve decided to give their very on-and-off relationship another go. Who knows? It may even end up in another illegitimate baby if they’re lucky.

The award for most appalling pairing of New Year, however, goes to Kereena and Tariq. Tariq revealed to his mate Mickey that Dan was not only Kereena’s father but also his. Something that didn’t seem to bother him while they were going out.

If I remember correctly (which to be fair I may not as the storyline was so tedious I fell asleep during it), Tariq finished with Kereena because she wouldn’t sleep with him. Now Kereena is trying to win her half brother back.

“I love you Tariq, I want us to have kids.” At least Billy should be pleased: if Kereena and Tariq do have kids, he’ll no longer be the most retarded person in Walford.’

Posted: 17th, January 2004 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink