Rivers Of Silicone

‘LORD Hutton’s report may dominate the front pages this morning, but one wonders whether the fall-out from the day’s other big story will be more severe.

The land of plenty

The news from the Australian jungle is that Jordan’s boobs are melting.

And environmentalists fear catastrophe looms, with rivers of molten silicone covering half of Australia, unless the problem can be contained.

The Mirror says Jordan herself first became aware of the problem and immediately called in well-known environmentalists Lord Brockett and Neil ‘Razor’ Ruddock to give a second opinion.

‘They are really saggy, ain’t they?’ she said. ‘Why don’t you have a proper feel. Go on, I haven’t got a bra on. You’ve got to properly squeeze them, though.’

Our two scientists needed no second invitation – and then Jennie Bond was called in to give her verdict.

‘They are beautiful,’ she concluded, ‘but a bit rubbery.’

Kerry ‘Moanin” McFadden also wanted to conduct her own experiment on what are undoubtedly one of the greatest engineering feats of the late 20th Century.

‘I want a piece of her,’ the Star hears Our Kerry say – and, judging by the size of Jordan’s chest, she could easily take one without the glamour model noticing.

Nor is Jordan’s popularity confined to her fellow contestants – the Sun announces that it is backing Jordan and in the Express Danniella Westbrook lends her support.

‘I’m voting for Jordan,’ she says. ‘She’s good fun but she’s also made of tough stuff.’

A copolyester elastomer and nylon/ABS alloy, to be precise.’

Posted: 29th, January 2004 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink