The Five-Minute Queen

‘LIKE a televisual earthquake, the aftershocks of I’m A Celebrity…Get Me Out Of Here can be felt for months after the show itself is finished.

Kerry’s celebrity CV also lists her two children

Every time Linda Barker urges us to sit on a DFHS sofa in our Asda underwear to watch her Yoga video on our Curry’s TV, it is a bitter reminder of this lesson.

Not only that, but it can take so long before life returns to normal and Linda returns to drawing stencils on pieces of MDF for a living that by then a new bunch of second-raters is already lined up to take her place.

And chief among them is OK!’s regular columnist Kerry McPadding – or Queen Kerry as she is now known following her victory on the show.

With no discernible talent except the possession of two very large breasts and a husband who’s the porky one from Westlife, Kerry is the perfect celebrity.

Instantly, she and Bryan have shot to the top of OK!’s Valentine chart of the 20 “sexiest, soppiest and smoochiest celebrity pairings”.

There was a time when Day-vid and Victoria would have been a shoo-in at No.1, but those were the days when OK! was the Beckhams’ Bible.

How things have changed and this year Los Beckhams only just squeak in ahead of Kym Marsh and Jack Ryder in fifth spot – behind Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta Jones, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston and Kylie Minogue and Olivier Martinez.

Of the Beckhams, OK! says: “If there was a celebrity dictionary and you looked up romance, you’d find ‘David and Victoria’ among the entries.”

Among the entries?! In our celebrity dictionary, David and Victoria is the only entry (although we admit the dictionary is a few years old now).

But these days everyone’s at it – and as we dip our hand into our celebrity sick-bag for the most puke-inducing celebrity schlock we are overwhelmed by choice.

So today we introduce you to the three finalists in Anorak’s Bleurgh! Awards, as always read out in reverse order.

In third place, with a Bleurgh! rating of 8/10, we present the sparkling platinum bangle which Michael gave Catherine on which is engraved: “Love, life, passion, you.”

Second, with a Bleurgh! rating of 9/10, we hear from Kym on the subject of Jack (just weeks before their trial separation): “There’s only one man for me. There’ll never be anybody else. He’s my life and I adore him. And I always will.”

But the winner of this year’s award with a perfect 10 Bleurgh! Rating is diminutive Aussie songstress Kylie Minogue.

“Just like painting or literature, we’d need at least three days to speak about love, tenderness and passion,” she says. “It’s the most magnificent feeling.”

Bleurgh!!!!!’

Posted: 16th, February 2004 | In: Reviews Comment | TrackBack | Permalink