And So To Bed

‘AFTER exposing the hidden dangers of car parks yesterday, the Mirror today looks afresh on nursery rhymes.

Jack couldn’t get the hang of the reverse rider position

And it takes a peek at an historian who claims to have found the real meanings in those sugary-sweet sing-songs of childhood.

Chris Roberts, a librarian from London, says that Goosey Goosey Gander is not a charming ditty about exacting revenge on godless old people, but a song about the spread of venereal disease.

This is shocking stuff, lifting the veils from our eyes and showing that the old nursery was just a precursor to the modern Internet in posing a danger to children.

For instance, if you want to hear about under-age kids having it off, forget searching the web and cock an ear to Jack And Jill.

The Sun has spoken with the same librarian and now knows that Jack and Jill were dashing up the hill to have sex. The water was a lie.

What’s more, it’s likely that some sicko Victorian portrait artiste got the entire depraved episode on canvas and then distributed it throughout the Empire via a shadowy chain of cable and carrier pigeon.

But while you gag at the sickness of that, the Sun notes that Rub-A-Dub-Dub is about a peep show and Oranges and Lemons – ‘Here comes the chopper to chop off your head’ – tells the tale of a bride losing her virginity, or ‘maiden head’.

And little Jack Horner was most likely the inspiration for the movie, American Pie, what with the plums and so forth.

But, unlike Jack, we do not wish to delve in any deeper, and only hope that such filth is soon expunged from Britain’s musical heritage in a mass burning of books and nurseries.

Say what you like about Eurovision, but it’s as innocent as one of Bo Peep’s much-abused lambs, at least before she got her hands on it…’

Posted: 3rd, March 2004 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink