Vicky Gambles On Ash

‘ANOTHER cheery week starts in Walford with news of a suicide. Jill’s alcoholic, abusive (of course) father killed himself – which, let’s face it, is probably preferable to returning to Albert Square again.

Ash gets flicked

Ian was with her when she heard the news and was actually very sympathetic. Well if anyone knows about pain and suffering, it’s Ian.

There was more bad news this week when the Slaters were told that Charlie had been given another two weeks on his sentence for smashing up his cell.

The family had arranged a surprise party for him in the Queen Vic and, sensibly, Charlie decided another two weeks in prison would be more enjoyable.

Nana Moon returned from her Club 80-130 Eastbourne holiday with a toyboy. “Meet Wilfred,” she announced to the Vic. “We’re getting married.” Alfie was less than keen on the idea. “You only met ‘im two days ago,” he ranted. “You don’t know anyfink about ‘im.”

“She ‘asn’t got any money you know,” he told Wilfred. “That’s all right,” replied the dapper Wilfred, “we can live on a diet of love.” Which is an image best not dwelled on when the couple has a combined age of 170.

EastEnders scriptwriters seem to have decided that the best way to come up with new couples is to put the entire cast’s names into a hat and pull two out at random. It’s the only explanation that makes sense for the pairing up of Natalie and Paul, not to mention Ash and Vicki.

Paul and Natalie have even decided to move in together. Well, they have been together for more than a fortnight now. Janine is doing her best to split them up. “It’s just your guilty conscience,” she hissed at Paul. “Marrying his ex wife won’t make up for what you did.”

Paul, concerned at what the ‘Black Widow’ could be capable of, has given a lawyer a letter detailing his and Janine’s part in Barry’s death. “If anything happens to me, you’re for the ‘igh jump,” he told her.

Readers of tabloids will know already that Janine is set to get her comeuppance soon when she’s ironically framed for a murder that she didn’t commit. For those who haven’t seen the stories, I’ll save the surprise. Let’s just say there’s going to be one less ginger, bug-eyed chip-fryer in Walford soon.

Comedy couple number two have progressed into the bedroom – much to the disgust of Sharon and 16 million viewers. Vicki had decided to get her own back on Sharon and Dennis by shocking them as much as their illicit relationship had shocked her.

Knowing that her brother and sister were due back that day, Vicki set out to seduce Ash, which just goes to prove how desperate and confused she must be. “Fancy a game of strip poker?” she asked him, while pulling up her top.

As a compulsive gambler, Ash has never been one to make the wise decision and he agreed. Sharon and Dennis came home to find the pair in Sharon’s bed, which is exactly as Vicki had planned it.

Someone should open a book on the next maverick pairing: my money’s on Wellard and Gus.’

Posted: 14th, March 2004 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink