Dead In The Water

‘IF Sammy the seal lived in the Middle East, he’d be dead in the water already, struck by a high-velocity rocket fired from a helicopter.

‘Here, Sammy, Sammy!’

But, luckily for Sammy the 600lb bull seal, he lives in the waters off Mersea Island, in Essex.

However, he’s not without his enemies and the Times reports that one fisherman, sick of Sammy stealing fish from his nets, has applied for a firearms licence to shoot the seal.

Surprisingly, the police turned down the application. Not because they were unhappy at Sammy’s demise, but because they didn’t want the fisherman to have all the fun.

So they advertised for a contract killer to do the job.

‘We are ready to help,’ says a police spokesman, ‘but we cannot simply let the fisherman shoot the animal. If he can find a person who has a firearms licence, we are willing to alter the conditions so that the gun owner can shoot the seal…

‘I know they are pretty animals with big, appealing eyes, but this seal is causing the fisherman enormous problems’ – chiefly in finding ways to kills it.

So the search is on for someone up to the job. But what’s that in the sky? It’s a bird? It’s a plane? No, it’s an Apache helicopter bristling with guns.

Swim, Sammy, swim! But not too far – that’s the Persian Gulf and… Oh, dear! Poor, poor Sammy. But his death will be avenged and war will be waged between seal and man…’

Posted: 23rd, March 2004 | In: Broadsheets Comment | TrackBack | Permalink