Blooming Hell

‘WHEN the Star asked its readers to nominate their favourite celebrity, it would have been pretty confident about the identity of the winner.

Orlando Bloom (as he might have looked if his name was Kelly Brook)

She would be buxom – Jordan, Lucy Pinder, Kerry McFadden; she would never knowingly appear overdressed – Jordan, Lucy Pinder, Kelly Brook; and she would have no discernible talent – Jordan, Lucy Pinder, Victoria Beckham.

What she wouldn’t be is a he.

But Star readers are nothing if not unpredictable and the paper is surprised – and not a little embarrassed – to discover that Lord Of The Rings actor Orlando Bloom picked up most votes.

What is more, while 60% of Star readers would like to sleep with a star on a first date (and most opt for Kylie as their partner of choice), the person most Star readers would like to see naked is…Orlando Bloom again.

This is devastating news for the paper that supports Britain’s builders – only to find that they’re a bunch of mincers with a collective crush on a 27-year-old pretty boy.

And so that Star takes matters into its own hands and illustrates the story with a front-page picture of a scantily clad Kelly Brook, despite the fact that she barely registered on readers’ radars.

‘Kelly’s Way Out In Front,’ it declares (apropos of nothing), ‘but hunky Orlando’s blooming lovely too.”

Posted: 23rd, March 2004 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink