An Ugly Tackle

‘REVELATIONS are everywhere this morning. ‘REVEALED: Why men never do the housework,’ says the Express.

Denis Caniza shows off his ball control

‘Want to know why your man can’t see the house is in a mess?’ Well, actually…

‘Why he can remember the names of all the football players in the last World Cup but not the juicy bit of gossip his mate told him a couple of hours earlier?’

Therapists Michael Gurian and Melanie Whitehouse think they know why, and have written a book in which such mysteries are revealed.

‘What Could He Be Thinking’ will surely be the must-read book for all those drudges who vacuum round their husband’s legs as he watches celebrity crown green bowling from Thruxton and racks his brains to remember the right back who played for Paraguay in the 2002 World Cup match against Germany.

(It was, of course, Francisco Arce.)

But today remote man and his lady wife can share a natter over a story that involves his passion for football and her hunger for scandal.

Ladies and gentlemen, prepare to call a truce in the battle of the sexes while Rebecca Loos tells the Mirror something she says only a woman who has been to bed with David Beckham would know.

Want to know what it is? Or would you rather know who played left back for Paraguay?

Ruth, the Sun’s newsreader in briefs, thinks she already knows the answer to the Beckham question.

‘Perhaps it’s a tattoo or a beauty spot on his bum,’ says she. ‘Or maybe he has a scar on his manhood.’

Maybe. Maybe it’s all of the above.

But we will not know for sure until David sleeps with one of us (which is looking increasingly likely), Posh tells all or Miss Loos takes the stand in court.

As Loos tells the Mirror: ‘So I think if they [Posh ‘n’ Becks] did want to take me to court, I could easily stand up and say, ‘Well…”

Well, what? Oh, come on already, we want to know, and we ask the Beckhams to put their lawyers where their mouths are and sue.

Meantime, we can tell you that the Paraguayan left back of some repute, was the ever-youthful Denis Caniza.

By sheer fluke, Caniza actually has a photo of Beckham’s manhood but, what with his casa being in such a state, Denis can’t remember for the life of him where he put it.’

Posted: 15th, April 2004 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink