Curl Up And Dye

‘WHERE to start with the deconstruction of the Decline and Fall of Albert Square?

‘Make me look like Phil’

When producers would have us believe that hapless Adi Ferraira’s best mate is a gorgeous blonde lap-dancer? Or that Dirty Den is supposed to be Walford’s own George Clooney? Or that ‘gangster’ Andy could terrify anyone other than his acting coach?

EastEnders continues to stagger on like the Warmington-On-Sea Homeguard, desperately hoping no one’s going to realise how tired and half-dead the storylines are.

This week, Pauline and Chrissie stayed up all night to finish a dress for Vicky. Vicky had come down with the flu and needed to finish off a dress design for her art college application, so, of course, it made logical sense to get a pensioner who lives in a cardigan to finish it for her.

Over the sewing machine, Pauline took the opportunity to speak her mind – which is so unlike her. “You’ve got yer hands full wif that Dennis Watts,” she told Chrissie. “He’s not what you’d call the faithful type,” she continued.

Chrissie has been getting increasingly concerned that her old goat of a husband is seeing someone else. Although, one would think that it would be a merciful relief to her, knowing that if he was getting his action elsewhere, he wouldn’t be pawing her with his corpse like hands.

When Den stayed out the night of their anniversary, she was convinced that she had a love rival and set about tracking her down. When Kate left her mobile lying around – as people do in soaps, Chrissie took the opportunity to check her text message and found several that she’d saved from Den.

Unknown to her though, Kate has already given Den the brush off (the drugs must have finally worn off) and Chrissie sets about getting revenge on her love rival by giving her a short back and sides. “Let’s see ‘ow he likes you wif no hair,” Chrissie screams at Kate, wielding a pair of scissors.

Somehow we suspect it’s not Kate’s hair that Den’s been interested in. Another typically far-fetched storyline involves the Ferreira family. Although not one of them has a paying job, they’ve managed to set up a mini cab firm in the old car lot.

Pat introduced them to the local mini cab Mr Big who she’s known since her days of (Fat) Pat cabs. He promised them a big contract providing they proved themselves.

“I’m gonna set you a test,” he told them, “pick up my mystery fare properly and the contract’s yours.” The Ferreiras aren’t known for their sharp business minds (failing to manage to raise £800 to save their house) but even they surpassed themselves by sending Idiot-in-Chief, Adi out to do the pick up.

Adi ended up bumping into Hayley, an old friend of his who was running out of a lap-dancing bar. “Fanks Adi, you saved my life,” she told him, hopping into his cab. Hayley has now moved in with the Ferreiras, taking the population of their two bedroom flat to marginally less than the Indian subcontinent.

Hayley has obviously been introduced to inject some much-needed glamour into the Ferreiras but, unfortunately, not even a make over by Elton John is going to achieve that.’

Posted: 31st, July 2004 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink