In Pole Position

‘WE may not run the fastest, jump the highest or finish the strongest, but we Brits are the undisputed champions at one event – shagging.

Practice makes perfect

Bend you heads, oh promiscuous youth of Britain, and receive your gold medals.

If there were a Sex Olympics, the lyrical strains of the Star-Spangled Banner or Advance Australia Fair would be drowned out by the more martial tones of God Save The Queen.

The podiums would be populated by young blokes with names like Shagger and The Fish and young women called Nikki and Kelly – all schooled in that Olympic medal factory, Club 18-30.

Forget silver medals in sports like synchronised diving and think gold in The Synchronised Wheelbarrow Race.

Never mind about dressage, cross-country and showjumping, the only equestrian event worth a candle is The Bucking Bronco.

This is where the future of this once great sporting nation lies, as the Guardian reports that single Brits train harder in these disciplines than their colleagues in any other country.

In an international survey of sexual attitudes, single Brits come out as the most promiscuous, with 59% of respondents thinking it normal to have had 10 or more sexual partners before getting married.

By contrast, only 17% of Chinese, 30% of French and 49% of Yanks say the same.

Only 42% of Brits thought it natural to stay faithful to one partner – a lower percentage than for any other country except for Germany.

However, although 70% of Chinese believe that monogamy is a natural state, 23% think extramarital affairs in which no-one gets hurt are acceptable (compared with 11% of Brits and 9% of Yanks).

All of this, combined with last week’s poll that suggested that Brits spend their holidays banging anyone they can get their hands on, is very encouraging.

But there is room for improvement. We still don’t have the same attitude for hard work as our rivals, for instance – 76% of American men (and 62% of American women) expect regular sex compared with only 66% of British men (and a disappointing 47% of British women).

If Anorak’s campaign to deliver gold for Britain in The Wheelbarrow Race at the 2012 games in London is to succeed, we all need to try harder.

No more lying back and thinking of England – get a strong chair out and start barrowing for Britain.’

Posted: 18th, August 2004 | In: Broadsheets Comment | TrackBack | Permalink