Jack Becomes Jill

‘IT’S not unusual to get religious maniacs knocking on your door from time to time; it is unusual, however, to find out the God-botherer on your doorstep is actually your wife’s father.

Look female, think female, be female

Steve and Karen were having a typical evening in; he was watching the sport on TV, she was lounging about in expensive underwear, drinking champagne and smoking a Superking.

When the doorbell rang, Karen bullied Steve into answering it. “I’m not decent babe,” she told him. She regretted sending him immediately, however, when a confused Steve came back into the room: “Erm, Karen, yer dad’s at the door.”

It turns out that Karen has had nothing to do with her parents for over ten years, as they’re not what you’d call normal. In fact, her parents make Cilla and Les seem like parents of the year.

“No toys, no TV, no friends,” she told Steve. “They found religion and they lost their minds,” she continued, displaying the sort of sensitivity we’ve come to know and love her for.

She revealed how at aged 15 her father beat her up while her mother watched when he discovered that she’d been watching TV round at her friend Linda Sykes’. “I walked out and never went back,” she told Steve sadly. “But don’t feel sorry fer me, I ain’t a victim.”

Slowly Steve began to realise that her childhood of poverty and jumble sale clothing was what had turned her into the clothing obsessed, social climber that he’d married.

“Yer mam’s dying,” Karen’s creepy father revealed. “You’ve both been dead to me fer years,” Karen retorted, but somehow you knew she was lying.

This is Coronation Street, however, not Walford and depressing storylines aren’t allowed to dominate the show – one of the many reasons why viewers are deserting Walford in droves.

Light relief this week came in the shape of Jack Duckworth in a dress. Jack’s bowling team Rover’s Ravers have somehow made it through to the grand final and the trophy looked in the bag, thanks to Hayley.

“You’ve a fine wrist and an even stroke,” Jack raved in the pub, giving us perhaps more information than we’d care for.

Unfortunately the captain of the other team happened to be in The Rovers at the same time and overheard Sonia telling Frankie: “One of us used to be a man, yer know.”

“Which one?” asked Frankie, glancing over to a table containing Deirdre, Liz, Fizz and Janice, “It’s difficult to tell.” Sonia then proceeded to tell – or rather shout using her foghorn fishwife voice, the details of Hayley’s sex change out in front of everyone in the pub.

The captain of the other team was quick to ensure that Hayley/Harold was taken off the team.

“It has been brought to my attention that one of your team used to play under the name of Harold Patterson,” she smugly announced in the Rovers. “In fact, Mr Patterson’s name is still down as a player at the East Lancashire semi-pro team.”

Hayley tearfully admitted that it was true – “somehow in between losing all my friends and family and having reconstructive surgery I forgot to cancel my membership”.

The Rover’s Ravers were now a player down and, with only days to go until the final, it looked hopeless – until Eileen made a throwaway suggestion. “Why doesn’t Jack dress up as a woman?”

Worryingly, Jack didn’t need much persuading to don a frock and wig. “How do I look?” Jack asked the factory girls after his Mrs Doubtfire-style transformation…and for once the girls were speechless.’

Posted: 27th, August 2004 | In: Strange But True Comment | TrackBack | Permalink