Batma’am

‘THE first thing police attending Buckingham Palace yesterday should have asked themselves was: “Where’s Robin?”

‘Do come down, Edward. You’ll catch a nasty chill going out like that in your pyjamas’

We are no experts in crime here at Anorak Towers – leading blameless lives of law-abiding probity – but even we know that where Batman goes, Robin must surely follow.

But the police who ambled to the Palace yesterday to confront a man who had climbed onto a ledge with, of all crazy things, a ladder only have eyes for the caped crusader.

And the papers all have eyes for the scene, leading with a shot of Batman, aka Bruce Wayne, aka the Sun’s “angry dad” Jason Hatch, standing on a ledge close to the main balcony.

Beneath Batman – or “PRATMAN” (Star and Mirror) – hangs a banner on which is written the message: “SUPER DADS OF FATHERS 4 JUSTICE – FIGHTING FOR YOUR RIGHT TO SEE YOUR KI.”

The final part of Batman’s strap line is curled around a parapet, so although we are pretty confident the “KI” is one half of the word “KIDS”, it might just as easily says “KIPPERS”, “KITCHEN” or perhaps a thematic “KING PENGUIN”.

It could say pretty much anything. And it’s only inside the Mail that readers get to hear about the nature of the protest and learn that Hatch is distraught at having had his children taken away from him after his second marriage broke up.

It’s a sad story, but the papers are far more interested in how a man dressed up as Batman and carrying a long ladder came to arrive on the side of what should be one of the most secure buildings in the land.

While we wonder if security staff mistook the masked hero for Prince Eddie returning from another night of derring-do on the capital’s streets, the Mail says: “KAPOW! Batman makes laughing stock of Brian’s security forces (But what if had been al Qaeda?).”

And “WHAT IF HE HAD BEEN A SUICIDE BOMBER?” asks the Express on its front page.

We dread to think. It’s a puzzle that only the Riddler would stand any chance of solving, although the Express hears police say that, if he had have been a terrorist with bombs strapped to his person, they’d have shot him.

That’s a great comfort to us, to the royals, to the journalists-cum-butlers that work in the Palace and to the hundreds of tourists with their faces pressed up against the gates each day.

But we shouldn’t worry too much because the Sun brings news that Robin has also been apprehended, and Dick Grayson, aka 48-year-old David Pyke, will be questioned by police along with his guardian.

Just as soon as Commissioner Jim Gordon gets here, they’ll begin the interrogation…’

Posted: 14th, September 2004 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink