Rise And Shine

‘JESSIE Wallace looks “luminous”.

Put on your free pair of Anorak sunglasses now

She does not look glorious, shining or even radiant, she looks luminous. She glows…in the dark.

But despite pictures that say otherwise, Hello! says the actress’s skin is not orange. It’s “olive”.

For the record, her hair is “claret” and her laugh is like “pure chocolate liqueur”.

Not chocolate liqueur with a hint of orange, but pure chocolate liqueur. Which is brown.

But it’s her luminescence that truly captures our imagination, and we wonder if, like Jessie, her baby that is two months from being born will be luminous?

If it is, the nursery room she’s decorated and redecorated time and time again will need no nightlight.

Indeed, it won’t need any kind of light at all, just black out blinds on the converted attic room’s windows, a safety device lest aircraft try to touch down in little Satsuma’s cot.

But enough of this orange fantasy. There is a baby on the way. And Jessie’s boyfriend Dave Morgan had best remember it.

“Every morning since we got back together,” says Jessie. “I wake up Dave and remind him, ‘Hey! We are going to be Mum and Dad.”

If that were not loving enough, Jessie also likes to talk about her weight. She already weighs 12 stone.

“Once or twice I caught myself wandering, ‘What’s this in my lap?’ and then realised it’s me!” explains Jessie.

But what’s the lump going to be called? Rumours abound that Elvis is a favourite name.

“As much as I love Elvis, who’s tattooed on my thigh,” says Jessie “I wouldn’t do that to my child.”

Hold the obituary page! Elvis is tattooed on Jessie Wallace’s thigh!

Given his girth at the time of his last public sighting we wonder if Jessie is pregnant at all and the lump is not the rock ‘n’ roller trying to escape.

If he does get out of Jessie’s Comfi-Slax maternity trousers, his fans should not expect him to be the man he was. Elvis is bound to be thinner.

And most likely blind – well, he’s been held prisoner in a luminous place for quite some time…’

Posted: 22nd, September 2004 | In: Reviews 0 Comments | TrackBack | Permalink