Bill And Coo

‘POOR Maria – you know your love life is really in trouble when Candice is feeling sorry for you. “It’s good you’ve got yer job to fall back on,” she simpered, “and who knows one day when I’m a footballer’s wife, I might even let you cut my hair.”

”You’ll never get up my nose, Maria”

Candice is currently dating Warren, who’s played twice for Weatherfield United and she’s already debating whether to sell the wedding photos to Hello! or not. So it’s not surprising that when Audrey wrongly accused Candice of stealing £200 out of the petty cash, Maria didn’t bother to out her right.

Maria is just back from a week’s holiday at her parents’ timeshare with Tyrone but unfortunately for Tyrone his darts victory didn’t entitle him to an all-inclusive tour of Maria. The poor love stuck chimp had to stand by and watch Maria pull a barman called Dave.

Maria – judging by her track record – didn’t think she’d ever see Dave again so was surprised when he turned up on her doorstep, offering to take her out on the town.

“Fing is though babe, I’ve lost me wallet – you couldn’t sub us some cash could you?” And Maria, being the Jade Goody of Weatherfield when it comes to blokes, happily handed over two hundred pounds of Audrey’s petty cash. And would you believe it? Dave disappeared on their hot date, leaving Maria to find two hundred pounds by the morning.

“You could always go on the game,” sneered Leanne on hearing her dilemma, “mind you, it would take you a while to earn that sort of cash.” And Leanne should know.

In the end it was of course Tyrone, her knight in greasy overalls, who came to her rescue. “Why do I treat him so badly?” Maria sobbed to Audrey, when she finally came clean over the whole sorry affair. Audrey advised Maria to give Tyrone a chance, “I didn’t love my Alfie when I married him,” she confided, “but there’s more to a marriage than love.”

A couple who know this only too well are Jack and Vera. They’ve been battling it out daily for thirty years. Vera has emerged the victor from the latest outbreak of hostilities but it was a close fought thing.

Ken let slip to Vera that he recognised “Mr Broxbourne” of the “Weatherfield Conservation Society” as Ron, the chairman of the Weatherfield Pigeon Fanciers Association – a man about as likely to be able to introduce her to Prince Charles as fast track her through to the finals of The Sun’s “search for a Page Three” star competition.

Vera decided to get her revenge on the pair of them by preparing a special “thank you dinner” for choosing her house as the winner of the world heritage competition. “’Ere you go!” she chuckled to them, “pigeon pie!”

Karen is also discovering the joys of sweet revenge by gleefully announcing to Tracy that she and Steve were going to have a baby. “His legal first born,” she sneered in Tracy’s face, “this baby’s going to want for nothing.”

Tracy’s not one to give up without a fight though and managed to trick Steve into buying a Christmas present for baby Amy and, of course, making sure Karen got to hear about it.

“Yer gonna go round and take that present back,” ranted Karen, oblivious to the fact that stealing presents off ten-month old babies isn’t exactly the best training for parenthood.

Karen’s set to quit Weatherfield over Christmas – perhaps she’s off to steal the gold, frankincense and myrrh off the Baby Jesus.’

Posted: 9th, December 2004 | In: Strange But True Comment | TrackBack | Permalink