Keeping Up Appearances

‘SINCE much of today’s version of football has more to do with celebrity than any ability with a ball, we turn first to the Mirror and “THE BADVERTS”.

One and a half twists with pike

And it’s bad news for David Seaman, the former England goalkeeper whose apparent mid-life crisis was manifest in his ponytail.

Advertising industry magazine Campaign has voted the Curry’s advert, in which Dave advertises electrical products, the worst ad of 2004 to feature a famous face.

The Yorkshireman was singled out for his “woodenness” in the role, a quality that allowed him to push David’s Beckham’s adverts for Gillette razor blades into second place.

“After an eternity of the same old drivel,” writes the magazine, “why can’t they come up with something better?” Perhaps next time, Becks should be shown shaving his sack, crack and back, as he is rumoured to do.

Such a sight might not be to everyone’s taste, but seeing smooth Dave cannot be worse than watching the behaviour of racist football Blackburn Rovers fans Shaun Baxter and Andrew Roberts.

We’d like to show you their faces, as would the Mirror, but on the way to and from court, they covered them up behind scarves and woolly hats, in a way they might like to imagine makes them look like gangters, or berks.

But the happy news is that we can tell you that the two losers have been banned from going to football matches for five years, having been found guilty of hurling racist insults at Birmingham City’s black player Dwight Yorke.

And the paper doesn’t stop and moves on to highlight Stephen Marsh and his boy, er, Stephen Marsh, two Portsmouth fans whose crushing lack of imagination caused them to scream racist abuse at their team’s own goalkeeper, Shaka Hislop.

They pleaded guilty to racially aggravated harassment and affray and will be sentenced later.

But – hold on! – Marsh Junior cannot racist, because as he is reported to have told a policeman at the time of his arrest that “he knew a coloured fellow”.

Well, if it works for Spain’s coach, Luis Aragones – who even says he’s eaten at the same table as black people – then why not give that line of defence a go?

Over in the Times, Arsene Wenger is talking up the £15,000 fine he’s been handed by the FA for his comments about Manchester United’s Ruud Van Nistelrooy.

In saying “’We know how van Nistelrooy behaves; he can only cheat people who do not know him well”, Wenger lined himself up for trouble.

And he got some – albeit a punishment that adds up to far less than a week’s wages.

Or course, the Times is right and he had to be censured – anything less that an official reprimand would have been tantamount to agreeing with the notion that the Dutchman does not play fair.

And we cannot have that.’

Posted: 17th, December 2004 | In: Back pages Comment | TrackBack | Permalink