Happy Days

‘HAPPY New Year to you all!

Your donations have made this brown boy smile again

Unless you are a Daily Mail reader, of course, in which case, our deepest condolences to you on this sad day.

Why sad? Well, in case you haven’t perused today’s edition yet, here’s a taste of what’s in store.

Starting, in traditional fashion, with the back pages, we have “VAUGHAN’S AGONY”. Yes, he might have captained England to eight successive Test wins and a moral victory in the ninth, but the Mail has decided to concentrate on the skipper’s batting blip.

Moving swiftly past “Winter sickness virus: what you must know” to the columnists, we find the customary think-piece reflecting on the festive season.

“AT LAST!” gasps Neil Lyndon, and the Mail’s customary paragraph-length sub-heading explains the reason for his relief: “As millions return to work after two weeks of family rows and gluttony, why DO we inflict such misery on ourselves?”

Stephen Glover’s is feeling grumpy on Page 15. “Why should WE pay for Des O’Connor’s dinner?” he fumes. But we don’t have time to read beyond the headline…

“Bank chaos as computer crashes.” No explanation necessary there…

“Lakeland guided walks face axe for being ‘too white and middle-class’” (Political correctness gone mad)…

Flick, flick, flick… It must be here somewhere…

Ah yes. Page 4: “A three-year rollercoaster ride ahead on house prices”.

But surely rollercoasters go up as well as down, so it can’t be all bad news? Yes, but that ignores the biggest bad-news story of all…

Home-owners in the Far East have experienced a downturn that the paper’s editor can only dream about, but even he has baulked at using that angle.

Instead, the front page announces the “BRITISH DEATH TOLL” in huge letters (so big that it hasn’t got room to describe them as “homeowners”), and has a pop at Tony Blair for not cutting short his holiday – sorry, his two weeks of family rows and gluttony.

Still, they do manage to squeeze in one good-news story. At the foot of the page is a strap-line announcing: “The smile that shows your money is making a difference already.”

Next to it is a picture of a smiling girl with a dark skin and a food package. No, she’s not an asylum seeker, and unlike Des O’Connor, she appears to be a popular recipient of Mail readers’ hard-earned cash.

That’s because she is a beneficiary of the paper’s appeal. Of course, the paper hasn’t got room to thank all the generous donors, but it has found room for a special “ROLL OF HONOUR”, listing the “major donors”.

Here we find such publicity-shy figures as Alex Best, Sadie Frost, Simon Cowell and Sheikh Abu Hamza, who is donating all money earned from his role as Captain Hook at the Finsbury Mosque’s annual panto.

And a big mention too for Vodafone, Debenhams and the Britannia and Abbey National Building Societies.

God bless you, every one.’

Posted: 4th, January 2005 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink