Invitation To Terror

‘“INVITATION lost in the post?” asks the Mail. “Don’t worry, you can still make the most of the big day with Mail’s definitive four-page guide.”

See the crowds gather on our live Windsor cam

Before we take a look at this souvenir special, let us now go on the record and say that our invitation was not lost, eaten by the dog or run over by a white Fiat Uno, but forcibly declined.

We would no more sanction cheating Camilla and Charles’s big day than be reincarnated as Camilla’s tampon.

That said, we can now progress serenely on to the story, as the Mail produces a map of the Windsor area and charts the couple’s progress “hour by hour”.

And at once we grow alarmed. This looks like an altogether different sort of invitation.

There’s the wedding route from Castle to Guildhall and back again. There’s the picture of the wedding car. And there’s even a diagram of the inside of St George’s Chapel, with the paper pinpointing the exact spot where Her Majesty will be in attendance.

If this document were to fall into the wrong hands we tremble to think what could happen.

So take care, dear Mail readers. Do not leave your paper in an unlocked car or allow it be seen by any foreign looking gentlemen.

Nothing less than the future of the monarchy depends on it. To say nothing of house prices!

Paul Sorene is the Anorak’

Posted: 8th, April 2005 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink