Phil’s Back

‘JIM Branning has always had an eye for old bangers: he married Dot for a start. This week he decided that there was room in his life for two clapped out old rust buckets, and has spent a pension windfall on buying a car.

Ian looks flushed

Dot, who’d ear-marked the cash for a new sofa, wasn’t best pleased until Yolande pointed out that Dot should learn to drive herself. One suspects that this is leading up to a ‘hilarious’ storyline in which Dot is transformed into a chain-smoking ‘Maureen from Driving School’.

More rehashed storylines from Eastenders this week with the re-appearance of Phil Mitchell. Phil’s been on the run from prison for the past year and desperately needed three grand – judging by the size of him, he obviously needs the money to buy more pies.

Phil turned to his cousin Billy first, who’s about as much use in a financial crises as the Rover board of directors. Phil then crashed into Ian’s house, demanding a share of the café’s profits, and when Ian refused, Phil decided to flush his head down the loo – probably the highlight of Eastenders so far this year.

Ian begged for some time to collect the money and promised to meet Phil in the Arches later. Phil, not the brightest of the Mitchells – and that’s saying something – agreed. Of course, Ian has about as much intention of handing over a penny to Phil Mitchell as he has in joining the Social Workers’ party, and promptly grassed him up to the police.

Mr Potato Head was last seen being bundled into a police van, shouting obscenities and vowing revenge. Phil’s set to return properly once his panto contract’s run out.

Let’s hope his return is more successful than Dirty Den’s who’s Walford legacy consists of a bit of brain smeared over Pauline’s doggy doorstep and a massive unpaid broadband bill.

Johnny Allen’s introduction as Gangster Number One has been about as terrifying as a flick through Little Mo’s Kittens scrapbook. Johnny’s been slapped by 15 year-old Stacy Slater and is now being bullied into submission by his skeletal mistress Tina and his teenaged daughter. Johnny’s been bouncing between the pair of them like a pinball machine – but with less direction.

Johnny and Tina are averaging about two break-ups an episode now, and it’s difficult to take this storyline seriously or to care about what happens to the most unlikely couple since Janette Krankie put on a school boy’s uniform.

Alfie is back from his latest Daz doorstep challenge and is, according to the Eastenders publicity machine, “struggling to come to terms with his feelings for Little Mo” – those ‘feelings’ clearly being indifference and boredom. The pair have got about as much sexual chemistry going on between them as Blair and Brown.

Alfie and Little Mo both agreed to take part in a Speed Dating night at the community centre with Gary and Minty – Walford’s answer to Men Behaving Sadly. Gary and Minty both failed to pull miserably, but Alfie and Little Mo had a great time together – well three minutes is probably a record for a successful relationship with a woman for Alfie.’

Posted: 5th, May 2005 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink