In A Pickle

‘“WHERE’S WALLY?” asks the Sun on its front page, the vital question of the day appearing alongside a graphic of Sven Goran Eriksson dressed in the style of the famously hard-to-spot cartoon character.

‘I favour the rinse and hold tactic’

“Sven Goran Eriksson vanished last night,” says the paper. “Sven disappears after Belfast horror.”

The paper’s looked in all the usual places for the England football manager – his London home, the Football Association’s headquarters, the dishwasher section at Comet. But no Sven?

Might it be that something has happened to the man? The link between the words “Belfast”, “horror” and “vanished” makes our blood run cold. But we quickly remember that Sven is quite safe in the Province, having formed a team still worse than the boys in green, and that the IRA has vowed to lay down its guns.

That’s not to say Sven’s not in line for a punishment beating from the press, as the Stars announces “OFF WITH HIS HEAD”.

Hanging’s too good for Sven, says the Star, which hankers for a swift return to the days when failure to win a football match meant instant death – although it’s good enough for the Sun which produces what we trust is a mock-up shot of Sven’s head in a noose.

And that’s not all. The paper now uses its front page to tell the world that it stopped Sven from traveling to the Oval to watch the cricket.

“HOWZAT!” screams the Star’s front-page headline. But before we can give an answer, the paper takes on the role of umpire and raises a finger to Sven’s face. “Star stops jinxed Sven from going to see the Ashes,” says it.

The Star says Sven was due to take his seat at the Oval for yesterday’s cricket match between England and Australia when the patriotic paper barred his way.

The Star says it “passed the fans’ message to Sven at his home” that he was not wanted at the cricket.

But whatever the Star’s claim, and however loud it shrieked through his letterbox, there is still no word from the Swede, not a sign that he ever received the message, never mind reacted to it.

Nor is there evidence that Sven has been handed the oversized P45 – the great symbol of the sack from your current employers – that the Sun’s cabbie Lenny has delivered to the FA’s headquarters.

Sven might be “TREACHEROUS, PROMISCUOUS, GREEDY…AND (WORST OF ALL) A LOSER”, as the Mail’s considered feature on him says, but above all that he’s missing.

And until he’s found we cannot rest. So let’s get looking. And try to work out where a man no longer wanted by England, seen as a villain in some circles, and worse in others, would feel at home, would blend in.

Howzat! To the Oval and the Australian team’s dressing room, dear chums. There’s not a moment to lose…’

Posted: 9th, September 2005 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink