Hal’s About That

‘AH, ain’t it sweet. No, not little Henry Klum-Seal, but the bubbly mint crisp flavoured chocolate sweets Hello! has taped to the cover of this week’s missive from the world of celebrity.

Actually, it’s two [sic] sweet, because Hello! has included not one but two tubes of the confection for it readers. Now fully pumped up on sugar and with the invigorating effervescence of ammonium carbonates and disodium diphosphate rushing through our systems we turn to Henry.

And you’d best turn fast. Look out! Good job we’ve had our intake of energy rich sugar and can get out of the way in time. Who would have guessed that little Henry Günther Samuel would make such a grand entrance, arriving as he does in a fleet of three SUVs, a luxury limo and a police escort?

And then we have to wait as Henry’s entourage unpacks the baby strollers for both him and his half-sister Leni and allocates the nappies and toys. This takes an energy-sapping ten minutes.

Without our bars of chocolate to sustain us we’d be flagging by now, but thanks to the power of free chocolate we can keep up with the Klum-Seals as they head off to the Sunset Library at the Beverly Hills Hotel, Los Angeles.

“He’ll be hungry,” says Heidi. “I can tell.” And by the miracle that is the mother-child bond, Henry wakes with a scream. Without a moment to lose, she arrives at the hotel. Heidi pops opens her top and breast-feeds Henry at the table. (No chocolate bars for this little lamb.)

Many of us would not know where to look at this point. But Hello! is unfazed. As it observes: “She has tied her blonde hair in a practical ponytail and she wears a gold chain around her neck to go with her plain brown shirt.” Oh, yes, you can’t miss that shirt.

And: “A pair of well-worn jeans covers her long legs, and her shoes are flat brown ballerina pumps. On her wrist she wears the Rolex she paid for with her first earnings.”

Anything else? What about the table where Heidi is breast-feeding? Who made it? Is it to-die-for? Is it a special breast-feeding table? And what about the books in the library – how many are there?

And what of Seal? “Seal is wearing a blue sweatshirt over khaki three-quarter-length cargo pants. He slips off his battered sneakers under the table. His toenails gleam with lilac polish, and on his head he wears an orange-coloured Lacoste cap.”

And little Henry? Oh, he’s wearing a smile…’

Posted: 27th, October 2005 | In: Reviews Comment | TrackBack | Permalink