Night Of The Living Dead

‘FORGET dressing up as a ghoul or a goblin this Halloween. Instead, put on a woolly V-neck sweater, some sensible golf trousers and a pair of driving gloves and take to the streets. You are now the most terrifying thing around – you are a Mail journalist.

The Sun has a go at being scary, and announces on its front page: “CHUNNEL GUN FARCE.” It says it smuggled a pistol into the country using the Channel Tunnel – “just like Harvey Nichols killer Michael Pech.”

The paper reminds us how “evil” Pech brought the gun into the country and then used it to murder shop assistant Clare Bernal before killing himself. And now the Sun has performed the same trick. How scary is that?!

And then there’s the Mirror’s front-page news that Soham child killer Ian Huntley is “feared” to be plotting to escape prison with the aid of a “notorious” inmate nicknamed “Houdini”.

Readers may care to note that this incarcerated Houdini character, armed robber Philip Riley, can’t be much of an escape artist. But he has fled custody a few times. And Huntley is a “monster”. So the story is something to be frightened about. It’s scary stuff. Boo!

But while the Sun and Mirror try hard to make us quake in our slippers, the scariest thing out there is the Mail. Here comes that slow, deliberate knock on your door. Ooer! The letterbox rattles open. Something’s being pushed through. It’s got writing on it. “HAULED TO COURT FOR DRIVING THROUGH A PUDDLE!” it howls.

Only the bravest can look. So we read on the Mail’s front page that Jason Evans has been taken to court and fined £150 for splashing a council workman when he drove through a puddle.

Having seen Evans drive through said puddle at around 15mph and splashed one of two men unblocking a roadside ditch, police followed him for two miles. They then pulled Evans over and charged him with “inconsiderate driving”. Evans was found guilty in court. He now has a criminal record.

That’s a scary story. And the Mail has lots more. Police officers are “prisoners of paperwork” it says. Cops have so many forms to fill in and reports to write they’re not able to pound the beat. They’re too busy typing to hear you scream. WhooaaaaH!

There is a “boom” in bankruptcies. They’re “on course to reach their highest levels since records began in the 1960s,” hoots the Mail’s hideous creature. You’re going to lose your money. Does that scare you? It should.

What about “Knife killer had just been freed from life sentence”? Where were the police when serial killer Anthony Rice struck again? Filling in forms? WhoooaaaH!

There’s a “binge drinking epidemic”. It’s coming your way. You can run but you can’t hide. And that’s if the bugs don’t get you first. “MMR safe? Baloney. This is one scandal that’s getting worse,” says Melanie Phillips. WhooooaaH!

And who says you’ll even make it to hospital. No-one’s coming to help you. This is “the lonely generation”. A financial services firm says pensioners are becoming more and more isolated, spending less and less time with their families.

And you kids can stop feeling safe. “How 100,000 children go missing every year,” says the Mail’s ghoul.

Ah! Make it stop. Make it stop! But it keeps coming. And now it’s mutated into a blonde woman with long legs and a demure smile. Eek! Look at how her head’s tilted to one side – it’s unnatural.

It’s Diana! And she’s making an appearance on the eve of Charles and Camilla’s trip to the United States. She’s back to haunt them. She’s back on Halloween..’

Posted: 31st, October 2005 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink