Rear Admiral

‘ANOTHER day, another outfit. And it’s off to the States with the Mail to see an Admiral trying to walk the ever-fragrant Camilla through a window.

It’s hard to believe our eyes as we see the Mail’s pictures of Vice-Admiral Richard H Carmona becoming something of the Rear Admiral as he slides a hand around Camilla’s back.

Carmona then ushers Camilla – dressed for the occasion in a dark blue dress – towards the medical establishment at Bethesda, Maryland. “He then tried to walk her through a plate-glass window,” says the Mail’s man on the scene.

Camilla might well move in mysterious ways, especially when she was having an affair with Charles, but even she would surely have come a cropper if she’d crashed into so much glass.

But disaster was averted. To a cry of “Nooooo!” (surely “Whoaah!”) from the assembled photographers, Camilla was brought up short. The Duchess reared up about three inches from the 8ft high sheet of glass. “If I go any further I’ll break my nose,” the Sun hears her say.

Happily she did not. Indeed, as one onlooker tells the paper: “She turned the whole thing into a hilarious joke.”

But before Camilla goes for an encore and dangles a foot over the edge of the Grand Canyon or sticks her head into the gaping maw of one of Siegfried and Roy’s tigers, there is work to be done.

The Mirror looks on as Camilla and Charles dutifully turn up for a gala dinner at the White House. Camilla, now clad in shiny red, is seen showing Charles what the Admiral had taught her.

“BUTT OUT,” shouts the paper as Camilla places a hand on Charles’s royal seat. “Yee-ha!” says the thought bubble coming from Camilla’s head in the Sun. “Nice buns, Your Princeship.” Charles: “Blimey! One trusts that’s Camilla…”

A navy man like Charles can never be too sure, or too careful. And with his buttocks nestled safely into a chair, it’s back to the Mirror to see Charles sharing a drink with President Bush.

“So many people…look to the United States for a lead on the most crucial issues that face our planet and indeed the lives of our grandchildren,” says Charles to his host. “Truly, the burden of the world rests on your shoulders…”

Bush’s response is not mentioned. But it’s rumoured to have gone: “Grandchildren! Whayameen gran-kiddies?! Get Barbara and Jenna in here nah!”’

Posted: 4th, November 2005 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink