Hitler & Miss

‘WITH just a few months to go before the World Cup kicks off in Germany, the papers are limbering up.

For you, little Englander, ze phoney var ist only just beginning. And the first volley is being fired by the Star.

“SVEN WE NEED A GHOULKEEPER,” says the headline over a story that the England squad’s five-star hotels in Germany’s Black Forest is haunted by the spirit of… Well, can you guess?

Is the England team’s hotel haunted by the ghost of: A) Ludwig van Beethoven; B) Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche; or C) Adolf Hitler?

Now, take your time. Think about it… OK, time’s up. Achtung! Achtung! as the papers are wont to say in matters German and sporting. What’s your answer? Tell us, or it will be all the worse for you.

That’s right. Well done everybody. The correct answer is C – the 95-room Schlosshotel Bühlerhöhe close to Baden-Baden is home to chamber maids, chefs, gardeners and the ghost of Hitler. This is Nazi-tendentiousness in action.

The Star hears locals say that guests have woken in the night to see Hitler’s “screaming ghost in a ball of flames”.

One local says that the ghost is sure to destroy the England team’s peace of mind. “And if they actually see the ghost they will be trembling so much they will struggle to even get out on the pitch.”

Nonsense! Our valiant boys will simply invoke the spirit of Churchill and march into battle with heads held high, upper lips set firm and a song in their hearts.

All together: Hitler has only got one ball, the German can’t get a touch at all, Beckham has just scored a goal*, Jawohl! Jawohl! Ja-a-a-a-vohl!!

* Refer to the Michael Howard-style pronunciation “ghoul”.’

Posted: 31st, January 2006 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink