Painfully Yours

‘“I LOVE PRESTON SO MUCH IT HURTS.” That’s the headline on the cover of today’s Star – words that are never far from the lips of anyone who has ever made a pilgrimage to Britain’s newest city.

However, on this occasion the message is from Chantelle Houghton, the Big Brother winner for whom Preston is a pop singer.

Seen dressed in a tiara and making ready to suck on a sauce-coated chip, Chantelle was ready to receive a Valentine’s Day card from her paramour.

One duly arrived. And the words are nothing if not beautiful: “I love u because u r ordinary.”

Of course, what with this being Valentine’s Day, the card was unsigned – although the Star sees the word “ordinary” as a clue (Preston is lead singer of the Madness tribute band Ordinary Boys).

We remain unconvinced. Any one of us could have sent Chantelle a card; just as anyone could have sent a message of love to George Galloway, Preston and Chantelle’s Big Brother agonist.

And, as the Sun’s front page says, one of us did. Above a picture of Galloway’s halo-haired head superimposed onto one half a red love heart, the front page reads: “Roses are red/ Violets are blue/ I was George’s Valentine/ His chat-up was sickly goo.”

The head on the heart’s other section reveals the object of George’s affection. No, not Saddam Hussein. No, not George Galloway. This head belongs to Caroline Iggulden, the Sun’s undercover lover.

Having despatched a bouquet of flowers to the vain MP – bearing the message “Dear George, Happy Valentine’s Day, Love from your secret admirer ‘G’ and her phone number – Caroline sat back and waited.

And before 15 minutes had passed the phone rang. Having introduced himself, Galloway said it had been a “barren year” for him. Indeed, this had been his only Valentine.

Galloway then invited the girl on a date. Where to? Why, the Houses of Parliament, naturally. Sure he was busy, but never too busty to accommodate a pretty lady.

So off Caroline went. She met him. He offered her tea or coffee. Would she care for a donut? George was having an iced donut. “You really must have some,” he oozed, “have a nibble.”

Gamely, and in spite of what must have been a churning stomach, Caroline agreed. He manfully ripped the treat in two and gave her the “lion’s share”.

And then the coup de grace. The phone rings. “Yes, I am here with her now,” says Galloway. “No, she is a very nice girl, not from The Sun.” George turns to Caroline: “They think this is a set up. But I assured them it was fine.”

Galloway is nothing if not a good judge of character. Caroline is a nice girl. Well, she didn’t gag when Galloway presented her with a teddy bear and a box of Victorian mints.

She never once shuddered when Galloway walked her to the terrace overlooking the Thames, pointed to a rainbow and observed: “How lovely.” And she didn’t break out in a cold sweat when, on parting, Galloway “threw” his arms around her and kissed both cheeks.

Caroline is a nice girl. Although Chantelle is just that little bit nicer…’

Posted: 15th, February 2006 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink