Stars In Cars

‘“DOPE ME UP BEFORE YOU GO GO,” said the Star’s front page on Monday morning. “CARELESS SPLIFFER,” announced the Mirror and Sun in perfect harmony on their respective cover pages.

“George Michael drug arrest,” said the Mail, the paper correctly realising that when it comes to the lexicon of drugs its readers’ knowledge begins and ends with HRT.

The story was that in the early hours of Sunday morning, a passerby had spotted the singer slumped at the wheel of his car. Worried that the driver was ill, this concerned citizen had dialled 999. The Mirror said paramedics arrived. They looked at George. And they called the police.

Police came. And George was arrested on suspicion of being unfit to drive. As a cop told the Mail: “He was taken to a police station and was searched. He was found to be in possession of a controlled substance, a Class C substance.”

This substance was sent away for testing. And George was bailed to return in March, when he may face a charge of possessing what is thought to be cannabis.

And there was more. The Sun said police allegedly found not only cannabis on George, but also GBH, a drug the Sun knowingly refers to as “Liquid Ecstasy”. And then there were the masks and sex toys apparently found by police in the boot of George’s motor.

We were given a clue as to what Geroge used such devices for when on Tuesday the Star narrated a cautionary tale about the dangers of using cannabis.

As the Star reported (“He trawled hotel in balaclava for sex”), the singer, allegedly, had got into difficulties while on a night out in the Hilton London Metropole hotel.

A hotel source told the paper how George was found wandering the corridors dressed in his hood looking for the room of a man he’d met in a bar and arranged to meet.

George could remember that his assignation was to take place on the fifth floor, but not which room. So he had knocked on a door. Only it wasn’t the right one and the resident, on seeing a man in a balaclava at his door, called security.

Not long after, Michael returned to the scene without his headgear and once more knocked on the same door. Again the resident called security. Guards arrived and apprehended Michael, who is reported to have offered the time honoured defence: “Is this the Hilton?”

Michael was then escorted from the premises to his car. But where was it? “He couldn’t even remember where he parked his car,” said a guard.

For anyone interested in witnessing what might well be evidence of the effects of cannabis use on the short-memory, the source says that the entire conversation was caught on CCTV.

While we waited for the footage to form part of some anti-drugs film, the music business was rocking to some other sensational news. Eat yer heart out Cliff Richard. There was a new star of religious pop on the scene. And he had something to say.

Take it away MC Hamza: “I was born to be a solider, Kalashnikov on my shoulder, Peace to Hamas and Hezbollah, That’s the way of the lord Allah.” Great rhyming stuff. And it got better when the Sun told us that the rapper was Mohammed Kamel Mostafa, Abu Hamza’s oldest child.

While hardline Islam was getting jiggy with it, on Wednesday that hardcore rocker Pete Doherty was out for a drive in Brimingham. And he was part of a convoy. The Mirror said that trailing the singer along the road were a motorway patrol car, two police motorcyclists and an unmarked vehicle.

Eyewitness Mike Kelly explained what he had observed: “I saw a large blue three-litre Jaguar with personalised plates being chased at speed the wrong way up a one-way street.”

Kelly made for a good witness, the kind of person Geroge Michael could use on his staff should cannabis damage his short-term memory and he experience more trouble identifying his car.

And this Kelly was thorough. He went on to say how the car stopped and the two police motorbikes stopped either side. “Doherty got out without a struggle… He looked completely out of it, staring into space… He didn’t seem too steady on his feet and had to be guided to the back of the police Volvo.”

Doubtless Mr Kelly could have provided us with details of the Volvo’s engine capacity and colour, but in the meantime we busied ourselves dissecting the facts such as they were.

And the shock was that, as the Sun said, the Jaguar so expertly described by the aforesaid Kelly was, allegedly, stolen. The paper said that police were already following Doherty when a camera took a picture of the Jaguar and it flashed up as stolen on the force’s database.

For his part, Doherty said he bought the care legitimately but the vendor was a man who “gets confused and forgets where he puts things”.

Which made us wonder. Had George Michael ever owned a blue three-litre Jaguar? And we urged him to think very hard before answering.

More on Doherty was to come. On Thursday, the Sun heard a source say that Doherty was being given counselling for manic depression. Any fans who wanted to check up on Doherty’s progress could catch his performances at Homerton Hospital, East London, where he was said to be making regular visits.

And while Doherty was indoors talking about his condition, he was not outdoors getting up to no good. It was in keeping with the Sun’s “Get Pete off the Street” campaign, launched to get the singer locked up and helped.

Whatever the rights and wrongs of a national newspaper calling for a mentally disturbed 27-year-old to be incarcerated – a “pal” said Doherty’s problems were rooted in his relationship with his strict Army major father – the Sun should have considered the fact that a jailed Doherty was a Doherty who can no longer populate their news pages.

And that would have meant no news of Doherty on Friday. We read in the Star that shambling rocker Ozzy Osbourne wanted to help Pete Doherty ditch drugs.

Said Ozzy: “I’ve been to the pits of hell with addiction and although it’s f***ing me off to see him f***ing up his life, I’d help him in a minute if he asked.”

Ozzy was sure that he could provide the real help Doherty needed. “Why the f*** isn’t anyone helping the boy?” he asked. “It’s not entertaining to watch.”

And therein was the rub. It might not be edifying, it might reflect badly on the audience, but Doherty’s antics have been entertaining.

Just as we stare at Ozzy as he vibrates and gibbers his way to the fridge, we gawp at Doherty. Well, who doesn’t rubberneck at a car crash? Or a popstar parked up on the side of the road..?’

Posted: 6th, March 2006 | In: Broadsheets Comment | TrackBack | Permalink