Mother’s Little Helpers

‘CAREER stalled? Stuck in the same old rut of appearing on reality TV shows and nodding your head on 100 Best TV Socks II?

What you need is a drugs story. Before he was, allegedly, found in possession of drugs, George Michael was just another man in a balaclava.

Boy George slunk into a New York courthouse a forgotten man. He came out with an order to attend a drugs rehabilitation programme and a renewed fame.

The adventures of cocaine Kate Moss and Pete Doherty have hardly harmed their careers: Kate continues to wear clothes and Doherty’s music is an irrelevance to his rich career as pop’s favourite “f***wit”.

So come on, celebs, tell us your drugs stories and we’ll see you get a mention in the Press.

Come on, Danniella Westbrook, former EastEnders actress and a women who nose (sic) a thing or two about drugs. The Sun is listening. What’s your drugs story, Danni?

On Monday, Danniella claimed she had snorted cocaine minutes after giving birth to her son Kai. In her autobiography, The Other Side of Nowhere, Danni says she staggered from the delivery room to take drugs.

She also smoked crack while pregnant with daughter Jodie. And once took so much cocaine she passed out. “My skin had gone green and my lips were blue. Kai was begging me to wake up.”

And wake up she did. And Danni remained awake long enough to pen her life’s story and tell us all about those drugs.

The result is that Danni and Drugs is one of the most overexposed double acts in the business, right up there with Pete & Drugs, Kate & Drugs and Ant & Dec.

Like Fred and Ginger, Desi and Lucille, Pinky and Perky and all those other great double acts that have entertained us down the years, the mention of one name demands the inclusion of the other.

But they do not always last. And on Tuesday we heard that Jennifer Aniston wanted to go it alone. She no longer wished to be “poor” Jen, former wife of Brad Pitt.

The Sun looked at a copy of Jen’s interview with Vogue magazine and heard the actress say she has had enough of being part of a “sick twisted Bermuda Triangle” with Brad and Angelina Jolie. “It makes my skin crawl,” said Jen.

That’s a comment that neatly brings us to the story of Kevin Federline, ferret-faced husband to popstar Britney Spears. News was that Brit wanted to stop Kev blowing her fortune on cars, jets and white vests. From now on Kevin would be given an allowance of £250 a week.

As the Star’s insider said, Kevin will be given the cash for clothing, nightclubs and drinks. And as long as leaves himself with enough money for the night bus home, he should be fine. Because any big items like cars will need to be approved by his wife.

It was hard to imagine another double act behaving in the same fashion, and Wayne Rooney limiting the spending power of his shopaholic lover, Coleen McLoughlin.

In her weekly column for Closer magazine (we read it so you don’t have to), Coleen told us how you too can look like a full-figured girl in a baggy velveteen tracksuit.

Coleen noted: “You don’t have to spend a fortune and you can’t beat Primark for pyjamas.” You don’t have to, but if you can spend a fortune, you go for it. And if it is your lover’s fortune, go for it hard.

We were all ears. But on Thursday we had to cover them up. New of the Spice Girls reunion tour was causing us no end of pain. But then we read in the Sun that the tour was off.

Promoters had pencilled in dates for November and December this year to mark the tenth anniversary of the group’s debut single, Wannabe, getting to No.1 in the charts.

But the girls thought better of it. A source told the Sun that Melanie C, the band’s Coleen McLoughlin template – albeit in a shiny shellsuit to Coleen’s baggy velveteen number – wanted to concentrate on her solo career.

Her Poshness was now “heavily into fashion”. The source said that Vicky realised the gig could be a “PR disaster”.

And the idea of a heavily pregnant Geri Halliwell fighting herself into a Union Jack dress and stacked heels to kick the air with Girl Power was frightening, and no way for a child to come into the world.

Whatever the dramas of the birth, Geri will be a great mum – Geri will be a great celebrity mum.

She might even be the best mum in the business – better than those other mums in the running for this year’s title of Celebrity Mum of the Year.

On Friday we got to see how tough the competition is. The Sun said that in the running for the prize was one Kate Moss, known to the masses outside the kindergarten gates as Cocaine Kate. She’s a model mum, starring in photoshoots for some of the biggest fashion houses, and one of the smaller recording studios.

“KATE’S ON SNORTLIST FOR MUM OF THE YEAR!” said the Star. It said she was a “shock contender” in the running for this most worthy of prizes.

But where was the shock? As the Sun noted, the holder of this esteemed title was none other than single mother Kerry Katona. Like Moss, tired and emotional Katona was once separated from her offspring by a spell in rehab.

Indeed, looking down the list of agonists, it became pretty clear what kind of criteria the judging panel looked for when it came to giving some celebrity mum the silver-painted dummy, or whatever form this prize takes.

The final list included none other than the ubiquitous professional swearer Sharon Osbourne, a woman so keen to do right by her adolescent children Kelly and Jack she invited cameras into her dog poo infested family home to film their every move.

Of course, the winner should be Danniella Westbrook. She has taken the role of celebrity mum to dizzying heights…’

Posted: 20th, March 2006 | In: Broadsheets Comment | TrackBack | Permalink