Mum’s Bum

‘“WHY don’t you write the truth about my daughter for once? Tell everyone she is posh and a f***ing good score for any man.”

Who do you think is saying those words? Is it Celebrity Mum of the Year Sharon Osbourne? Not this time. And neither is it Sarah Ferguson, Cherie Blair nor Her Majesty the Queen.

These are the words of mum-of-seven Nora Black, who is pictured in the Mirror as if about to pull down her trousers and enact a mooning on the assembled gentlemen and ladies of the Press.

Nora’s considerable beef is that her papers have, apparently, not been telling the truth about her daughter, 14-year-old Leanne, who has just appeared before the Beak in Newbury, Berkshire, to answer a charge of driving while under the influence of booze.

Leanne was found guilty of taking her father’s Ford Mondeo for a spin, and given eight months’ detention, four to be spent in a secure unit and the remainder at large in the community. She is Britain’s youngest drink driver.

We need to go on and tell you that while in court Leanne effed and blinded, threw a jug of water at magistrates, knocked over furniture and was wrestled to the ground by four guards.

The Mirror has a nice shot of Leanne, armed raised high in the manner of a keen cricketer, ready to bowl an egg at the assembled press as she arrives at court.

Now we see Leanne’s mother (think Don Dom DeLuise crashes into Roseanne Barr). Her hands are tugging at the waistband of her Comfi-Slax. Things are about to turn nasty. Nora is sticking up for her misunderstood and, vitally, misrepresented little girl.

And in support are husband Maurice and second daughter Lilly. And, having invited the Press to tell the truth, and told us what her Leanne is really like, Nora adds: “I’ll f***ing kill you. I’ll kick your head in.”

Slim and blonde Sun columnist Jane Moore (“Come and have a go if you think you’re lard enough”) is of the opinion that this “ridiculous” mother should be jailed for “crimes against motherhood”.

In pessimistic tones, Moore wonders what might happen if Leanne one day drives the family saloon into a child. We imagine it would be pretty terrible. And contemplate if it would be any less tragic if Leanne drove into Nora? Moore doesn’t say.

Over in the Star, the aforesaid Maurice says he feels “nothing but pride” for his little girl. Remember that it was his car she took.

And then comes the crunch. The Star shows the familiar shot of Nora aiming her backside to the cameras, and asks: “Does my mum look a pig in this?”

Answers to the usual address.’

Posted: 29th, March 2006 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink