Self Control

‘SCOTLAND the brave. So brave that on Monday we watched locals step outside into the icy driving rain to smoke a cigarette, or a salmon.

Monday brought news of the smoking ban in public places north of the border.

Of course, all this banning is for the common good. As the Times reported, 13,000 Scots die from smoking-related disease each year. Passive smoking accounts or 865 Scots every year. In all, 27 per cent of Scottish adults smoke. And 23.8 per cent of Scots women smoke during pregnancy.

Critics point out that Scottish people will still die, even with the ban in force. Until the Government rules otherwise, death will come to us all, including Scots, both smoking and non-smoking.

But if you think that ban is tough, on Tuesday we looked on as Tom Cruise got the family home ready for the arrival of little Ron Hubbard Holmes-Cruise.

Cruise likes rules so much that he is establishing bylaws in the Beverly Hills mansion he shares with Kelly Holmes.

Here’s one of them: “Maintain silence in the presence of birth to save both the sanity of the mother and child.”

Failure to do so will inflict “psychic” damage on the child which can only be addressed through years of therapy.

While we wonder what kind of raucous din Cruise’s mother made in the labour ward, we got to see what happens when rules are broken.

On Wednesday we saw Whitney Houston looking less then her best. “WHITNEY ON CRACK,” said the Sun’s front page. And there were “shocking pictures”.

Inside the paper, over a double-page spread, readers got to see inside Whitney’s bathroom. They saw a spoon covered in cocaine (“SORDID”) and a pot full of rubbish, said to include crack-smoking paraphernalia. “PITIFUL,” said the Sun.

And there was another rule breaker, 14-year-old Leanne Black, Britain’s youngest drink driver?

We got to see what kind of racket Leanne’s mother made in the maternity ward when the Press caught up with Nora Black. “Why don’t you write the truth about my daughter for once?” asked loving mum Nora. “Tell everyone she is posh and a f***ing good score for any man?”

What is the country coming to? Tsk! Who is in charge of this violent mob?

With Tony Blair away, Prezza was in charge. There he was in the Commons fielding questions like Abu Hamza in cricket whites.

On the subject of council tax, Prezza had this to say: “That I think is what we have done, that is what we continue to do and, as for the argument about the payment of the council tax, let me tell him and he must know again in the comparison between our Government and his Government, that we gave in the response 39 per cent increase in real terms in council tax compared to the last five years of which he had some influence where there was an actual reduction of 7 per cent in real terms of contribution to councils for their council tax.”

You still there? At least thanks to what the Star termed the “art” of sternomancy we can see what Prime Minister Prescott has in store for us all by looking at his breasts.

Not that diplomats should be judged on their breasts alone – not with so many arses around…’

Posted: 3rd, April 2006 | In: Broadsheets Comment | TrackBack | Permalink