Water Beds

‘ON Monday, Condoleezza Rice, the US Secretary of State, arrived in the UK with lots of baggage – chiefly the war in Iraq.

Rice was in Blackburn and Liverpool for the second of her dates with Foreign Secretary Jack Straw.

But Rice’s baggage was holding her back. She was not welcome at Blackburn’s Masjid al-Hidayah mosque. She was heckled at Blackburn’s Pleckgate high school. Poet Roger McGough declined to take part in a gala evening in Rice’s honour (so not all bad, then).

At least nothing could stop Rice attending the football match between Straw’s beloved Blackburn Rovers and Wigan. Sadly, there was something. TV deals meant the match was rescheduled, meaning Rice was shown around an empty stadium.

But such is the special nature of this relationship that Condi may not have noticed the lack of fans and vulgar chants about her and Bush.

And on Tuesday we saw that things between Condi and Jack were as special as ever. On board a flight to Kuwait, Condi offered Jack her bed.

This was ‘Bedgate’. And not wishing to spark a diplomatic incident, Jack gallantly took Condi’s bed and got his head down for the night. She bunked down on an aisle. And there was much love a mile up.

Down on planet Earth, the war on terror arrived in a cab on route to Tees Valley airport. On Wednesday, we saw Harraj Mann plug his MP3 player into a taxi’s onboard entertainment system and take the driver on a trip down memory lane.

Mann sang Procal Harem’s Whiter Shade of Pale. He belted out Led Zeppelin’s Immigrant Song. And he gave full throat to the lyrics to The Clash’s London Calling.

The driver had heard enough. He called the police. The cops raced to the scene and frogmarched Mann off for questioning. “What’s this about engines failing? When is the meltdown? War is declared! On whom?”

Mann was eventually released. But the message was clear – we were being watched. We live in uncertain times. The Government wants us to watch each other. Grass up a benefits cheat, urges the Government’s TV advert. Grass up a non income-tax payer. Grass up a singer.

And on Thursday we were being urged to grass up people who flout the hosepipe ban and water their, er, grass.

Three Valleys Water wanted you to file an anonymous report called “Report A Waterhog!”. In the section marked “irresponsible water user” you could grass up the man giving his lawn a drink. Tell a tale on that woman cleaning her motor. Snitch on the neighbour giving his colon a quick run through.

In the spirit of saving the planet – and not out of revenge or spite in any way at all – we did as 11 people have already done and filled in the form.

Irresponsible water user: water companies. How often do they waste water: 24-hours a day. How long do they waste water for: 24-hours a day. Time of waste: 24-hours a day. Well, 915 million litres of water a day leaks from the system.

Wrongdoers must be stopped. It is the duty of the righteous. Only who is right and who is wrong. On Friday we read that ancient papers found in Egypt claim Judas Iscariot is innocent.

This wrong ‘un accused of betraying Jesus Christ for thirty pieces of silver, his name a byword for deceit and treachery, was simply misunderstood. Thanks to the lost Gospel of Judas, we got to see the man behind the myth.

Judas was one of the goody guys. He never sold out Jesus in the gardens at Gethsemani. Although, he may well have used a hosepipe…’

Posted: 10th, April 2006 | In: Broadsheets Comment | TrackBack | Permalink