Pointy Heads

‘SO much for the Silence of the Lambs. The biggest horror story playing in Hollywood last week was The Silence of Katie Holmes. The actress was to give birth in silence and without drugs.

She was also expected to look on – maintaining an awe-struck if not a fearful silence – as boyfriend Tom Cruise celebrated the birth by scoping up the placenta and eating it.

On Tuesday we heard that Tom thought these ephemeral organs were “very nutritious”. As he said: “I’m gonna eat the placenta. I thought that would be good. Very nutritious. I’m gonna eat the cord and the placenta right there.”

“Right there”!? Were we to imagine that rather than frying the placenta with some fava beans and a little Chianti, Cruise intended to tear into the rubbery organ at its freshest?

Not since Quasimodo took his hump to Hollywood had a bump caused so much wonder, horror and revulsion.

On Wednesday things took an unexpected turn when we learned that Katie was wavering in her commitment to silence.

She was not sure that having the birth at home was such a good idea atfer all. She’d heard talk of a place called a “hospital” where there were “doctors” who handle lots of births.

These doctors wore “white coats”, which may or not be relevant to the Holmes-Cruise romance.

But Tom was, as a source told us, set on a home delivery. So too was his mum, Mary. Mother and son were united and Katie was starting to “feel totally isolated”.

They didn’t want to hear about her mad hormone-addled about thee hospitals. Tom bought her a “personalised pacifier”, made of the finest rubber and moulded to fit Katie’s teeth. That would keep her quiet.

And then it happened. The planets were in alignment. The baby was coming. Katie spat the dummy.

The Church of Scientology and its follower Tom Cruise may well dictate that the mother must remain mute in the throes of birth lest the baby become traumatised, maladjusted and suffer later in life. Nature dictates the mother should scream her head off. Katie was removed to a hospital. And Katie was given drugs.

And the world was given 7lb 7oz and 20-inches of Suri. The name means Princess in Hebrew and “pickpocket” in Japanese. And it also means “pointy nose” in Indian, which should not be confused with pointy head…’

Posted: 24th, April 2006 | In: Broadsheets Comment | TrackBack | Permalink